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But inquiry is ordered into whether anti-racist measures are working adequately in private schools

Ministers have ruled out banning members of the British National party from the teaching profession, after an independent inquiry into racism in schools decided such a move would be disproportionate.

The issue of whether those who belong to racist organisations should be prevented from teaching ? as they are from working as police or prison officers ? will be reviewed annually.

But a separate inquiry has been announced into whether measures to stop racism being promoted in independent schools are adequate, provoking an angry response from representatives of the private sector.

In his review, Maurice Smith, a former chief inspector of schools, said he had decided banning teachers from being BNP members would be "taking a very large sledgehammer to crack a minuscule nut".

Smith said: "To bar teachers, or other members of the school workforce, from joining non-proscribed organisations would be a profound political act.

"I have come to the view that the existing measures in place to protect children and young people from discrimination or political indoctrination are well-grounded, and comprehensive enough to mitigate the risk."

Smith said that over the last seven years, only four members of the teaching profession and two governors had been publicly identified as being members of racist organisations, and only nine incidents of teachers making racist remarks or holding racist materials had been subject to disciplinary sanction by the General Teaching Council.

He added that, although the measures already in place were sufficient, some of them needed time to bed in, and could be improved upon.

But they had less impact in independent schools, where teachers do not have to be qualified or members of the General Teaching Council, he said.

"The most recent public concern is focused on independent schools staffed by unqualified teachers," Smith said. "The measures to protect against the promotion of racism by qualified teachers have less influence in the independent sector compared to maintained schools, because there is no evidence regarding the proportion of teachers in the independent sector who are qualified." He added that no evidence had been brought to the review about problems with racist incidents in private schools.

The Independent Schools Council (ISC) said it was dismayed to hear about the new review and had not been told of any concerns about the sector by Smith or the department for children, schools and families (DCSF).

The chief executive of the ISC, David Lyscom, said: "Independent schools operate within a framework of law and accountability that gives appropriate weight to the importance of diversity and the prohibition of discrimination. All independent schools must attain standards prescribed by the secretary of state to promote tolerance.

"All teachers undergoing induction at an independent school are similarly required to meet the same professional standards as those in the maintained sector.

"We have not been informed either by Mr Smith or by the DCSF that there are any concerns arising in ISC schools with regard to partisan political activities or, more generally, equality, discrimination or community relations.

"So we are dismayed that the secretary of state has felt it expedient to commission a further review that covers the whole sector. If there are issues in individual schools or types of school that raise concern, action should be taken in those schools."

The ISC would cooperate with the review, he added.

The schools secretary, Ed Balls, said many independent schools belonged to associations that "provide a degree of self-regulation and discipline".

Balls added: "All the available evidence suggests that these associations have high expectations of their members and have their own procedures for handling cases where problems arise.

"However, I remain concerned about Maurice Smith's observations about the independent sector, and therefore I have asked him to explore further whether the current arrangements strike the right balance between allowing independent schools autonomy [to operate] in accordance with their ethos and values, and protecting the young people attending those schools from teachers displaying racist or intolerant views or behaviours that could be harmful."

Smith's review of independent schools will report back by September.

The inquiry was branded a "golden opportunity squandered" by the teaching union Nasuwt. Its general secretary, Chris Keates, said its report was "woefully inadequate and littered with contradictions".

Keates said the review failed to provide any evidence about how effective measures already in place had been, and accused it of being "complacent about the dangers schools and children face".

"Maurice Smith seems to have focused, to a point of obsession, on the number of incidents," she said. "One incident is one too many. How many incidents would there have to be before Maurice Smith would be persuaded that further action is needed?

"The idea that a person who signs up to membership of the BNP can simply leave these beliefs at the school gate and behave as a 'professional' when they walk into school is risible.

"A principled stand was required. This is a matter of social justice, staff wellbeing and child protection."

Officials agree to pay up to $660m to Ground Zero workers who say they were made ill by inhaling fumes and dust at site of 9/11 attacks

New York City authorities have agreed to pay up to $657.5m (£437m) to rescue and recovery workers who claim that they became ill after inhaling dust at the Ground Zero site of the 9/11 terror attacks.

Lawyers representing more than 10,000 plaintiffs, who claim they were exposed to toxic contaminants after the collapse of the World Trade Centre, said the settlement must first be approved by a judge and agreed by 95% of the claimants.

The deal would make the city, and other companies represented by the insurer, liable for at least $575m. Most, if not all, of the money would come from a $1bn Federal Emergency Management Agency grant.

The New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, called the deal "a fair and reasonable resolution to a complex set of circumstances". He said: "The resolution of the World Trade Centre litigation will allow the first responders and workers to be compensated for injuries suffered following their work at Ground Zero."

The agreement comes two months before the first trial in the case. Thousands of police officers, firefighters and construction staff who worked at the 16-acre site in lower Manhattan had filed lawsuits against the city, claiming it sent them to Ground Zero without proper protective equipment.

James Nolan, a 45-year-old carpenter from Yonkers, said he helped recover bodies and build ramps for firehoses at the site and then developed lung and leg problems, for which he takes medication. He sued the city for negligence six years ago.

"We've had to fight for what we deserve," he said. "I'm glad it's coming to an end. I can feel a little comfortable if I pass away because my wife and kids will get some money."

Many of those workers say they have since fallen ill. A majority have reported a respiratory problem similar to asthma, but many have also sought damages for hundreds of other ailments, including cancer.

Payments will be based on a system that ranks each illness by severity and potential exposure to the dust. Some workers are likely to receive payments of a few thousand dollars; others could receive more than $1m. A separate insurance fund will be set up to cover workers who develop cancer.

The settlement would mean a postponement or cancellation of the trials tentatively scheduled to begin in May. Some of the cases due to be heard include that of a firefighter who died of throat cancer and another who needs a lung transplant.

The $1bn New York insurance fund, created by Congress, has been depleted in the long-running legal battle in the case, with the bill now in excess of $200m.

The law firm Worby, Groner, Edelman & Napoli, Bern, representing 9,000 of the plaintiffs, is expected to take up to a third of the total settlement in legal fees.

At least 12 killed in blasts which appeared to be aimed at Pakistani military targets

At least 12 people were killed in Lahore today when two bombs exploded in the second deadly attack on the Pakistani city in a week.

Gunshots were heard after the blasts which appeared to target an army vehicle shortly before Friday prayers.

A senior police official, Umar Virk, said a suicide bomber was responsible and 35 people were wounded and a dozen killed. The Pakistani broadcaster Geo News reported that the blasts killed 20 people in a crowded area of the city.

Reuters reported that one of the bombs went off in a military neighbourhood, while the second hit military vehicles that arrived at the scene.

TV footage showed a heavy security presence in the the area as bystanders helped the injured into ambulances.

Eyewitness Afzal Awan said he saw several people, some without limbs, lying in pools of blood.

"It was a big blast. I saw smoke rising everywhere. A lot of people were crying."

The blasts struck the RA Bazaar where several security agencies have offices.

On Monday a suicide car bomber attacked a police building, killing 13 people.

The attacks have shattered a period of relative calm in Pakistan, which has been battling al-Qaida and Taliban violence.

The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility for Monday's attack.

Cameroonian woman handcuffed while being taken to operating theatre for surgery on breast lump

The UK Border Agency has failed to properly investigate claims of mistreatment by failed asylum seekers, including a woman handcuffed while undergoing a biopsy on a breast lump, according to an official inquiry report published today.

The woman, a 32-year-old Cameroonian torture victim, was subsequently handcuffed while being taken into the operating theatre for surgery, and again after coming round from the anaesthetic. On each occasion hospital staff asked for the handcuffs to be removed; on each occasion their requests were refused.

The complaint, dating back to 2004, is among several highlighted in the investigation into allegations of physical and racial abuse of asylum seekers facing deportation by private security guards published today by Lady O'Loan. She cites the case as an example of the failure to properly investigate complaints of ill-treatment and concludes that private security firms have inadequately managed the use of force by their staff.

But she says that her investigation, set up by Jacqui Smith when she was home secretary, did not find evidence of systematic abuse that critics claim has taken place in privately run detention facilities.

The report comes as several women at Yarl's Wood detention centre enter the sixth week of a hunger strike over what they claim is mistreatment by guards.

The O'Loan inquiry was ordered after the July 2008 report, Outsourcing Abuse, by the law firm Birnberg Peirce, Medical Justice and the National Coalition of Anti-Deportation Campaigns, was sent to the home secretary by Lord Ramsbotham, a former chief inspector of prisons. The original report was based on 300 cases of alleged physical assault and racial abuse over a period of six years. The names and details of 48 individual cases were passed to the Home Office. O'Loan looked in detail at 29 of the 48 cases in which complaints had been made and found an inadequate or no investigation at all by UKBA in 18 cases. In some cases staff were shown not to have even considered whether the use of force had been "proportionate or necessary" before applying handcuffs or other restraint techniques.

The Cameroonian woman, named as Ms SK, was kept handcuffed for 30 hours on one of three visits to Hairmyres hospital, Glasgow, from Dungavel removal centre and was only allowed to visit the toilet with a chain extension to her handcuffs. In five cases there was so little information it was not possible to make a judgment. The investigation was satisfactory in only four of them and the remaining two had been the subject of prison ombudsman investigations. A major difficulty in investigating those cases in which no official complaint had been made was that the relevant detainee files had been stored in an area contaminated by rats and had been destroyed.

But she says the review she was able to carry out of the limited number of cases found no pattern of systemic abuse by UK Border Agency staff or private escorting officers. Only three of the 144 detention custody officers involved in the cases were identified in more than two cases of the six-year period.

Three of the cases involved serious physical injury including a broken finger, a punctured lung and a dislocated knee. O'Loan found there was "no satisfactory explanation" for the injuries in the first two cases and in the third, CCTV footage of the incident, which involved a violent struggle in the back of an escort van while they tried to put handcuffs and leg restraints on him, was blocked by an escort officer standing in front of the lens.

The report was seized on last night by Lin Homer, the UKBA chief executive, who in a foreword to the O'Loan report accused the authors of the original report of "seeking to damage the reputation of our contractors" and demanding they now accept there had been no systemic abuse. Homer, however, said that she accepted that the O'Loan review had found a lack of proper processes to deal with allegations of mistreatment "in some of the earlier cases" but claimed they had been addressed.

"I am not complacent about this and I intend to ensure we maintain robust systems of accountability to ensure that we root out any individual whose behaviour falls below the high standards we should rightly demand," said Homer.

Lord Ramsbotham said he was disappointed that the UKBA chief executive had chosen to question the motives of those who had published the report. He said that Baroness O'Loan had not been asked to establish the truth of allegations, only whether they had been properly investigated or not.

A spokeswoman for Medical Justice welcomed the report saying they felt their work in bringing to public attention so many serious allegations had been vindicated.

The 112-page inquiry report makes 22 recommendations, including review of training of the use of force.

Three Conservative committee members walk out claiming inquiry is pursuing Labour vendetta

A Westminster inquiry into the row over Lord Ashcroft's peerage was thrown into turmoil when the Tory MPs on the committee walked out and said they were boycotting it permanently.

In what is understood to be an unprecedented move, Conservative members have withdrawn from the public administration select committee, some following discussions with the party whips.

The committee, regarded as one of the most influential in parliament, announced an inquiry into Ashcroft's ennoblement in the aftermath of the peer's revelation last week that he has non-dom status. The billionaire described how he had renegotiated an undertaking he gave as a condition of his peerage to become a full British resident to allow him to retain his non-dom status and avoid paying tax on his substantial international earnings.

The disclosure ended 10 years of speculation about Lord Ashcroft's tax status and provoked a bitter row over whether he had broken the spirit of the undertakings he had given to secure his peerage.

The Tory leadership was also embarrassed after it was revealed that no one in the party knew of his tax status until the shadow foreign secretary, William Hague, found out a few months ago, and that he in turn kept David Cameron in the dark until last month.

Sources close to the committee have confirmed the three Tory members have walked out, claiming the inquiry is pursuing a Labour vendetta. Some are under pressure from their leadership via the party whips, one senior source claimed.

It also emerged that Lord Ashcroft failed to meet a 9.30am deadline today to respond to an invitation to give evidence to the committee next Thursday. Gordon Prentice, a Labour committee member who has campaigned vociferously against the peer, made the announcement on his website. The committee has no powers to order members of the Lords to give evidence.

The remaining members met yesterday and agreed the line-up for their one-day hearing on propriety in peerages.

Hague, who as Ashcroft's closest colleague sponsored his peerage and was subject to his promise to become a permanent resident, has been invited. Hayden Phillips, the senior civil servant at the time, has also received an invitation and Baroness Dean and Lord Hurd, who were on the scrutiny committee at the time of his appointment, are also understood to be on the list.

The three Tory members of the committee, David Burrowes, Ian Liddell-Grainger and Charles Walker, will not be attending any further meetings. An end of term lunch, scheduled for today, was cancelled after they failed to turn-up.

Liddell-Grainger, MP for Bridgwater, confirmed to the Guardian that he had walked out. "I've served on that committee since I've been a member of parliament. Tony Wright has been a good chair but three weeks before a general election is called they have decided to make this committee blatantly political. It has been totally politicised and is therefore not able to function as a proper select committee any more."

He denied he had been ordered to boycott the committee by the party leadership, saying he reached the decision himself.

Burrowes, MP for Enfield, confirmed that party whips had been involved in the discussion about the committee but said did not need the whips to tell him to boycott it. He said the inquiry would become a "political circus" and argued that Lord Paul, the Labour donor and non-dom, should also give evidence. Walker could not be contacted last night.

A spokesman for the Conservatives said: "We don't believe that it [the Ashcroft inquiry] is an appropriate use of the committee." He said that the central party had not been involved in the MPs' decisions to leave the committee.

Tony Wright, the Labour chairman of the committee, defended the decision to conduct the inquiry. He said: "We are not interested in the party political dimension of this but we are interested in trying to get to the bottom of an issue about propriety that has remained unresolved for the best part of a decade."

The treatment in court of the three MPs charged with fiddling their expenses claims was not what they are used to

For the three MPs charged with fiddling their expenses claims, it may have been the unkindest moment. Their brief, Julian Knowles, wearing one of those vast chalk-stripe suits that possibly only lawyers may, by law, ever wear, asked the chief magistrate if the trio might be excused sitting in the dock.

The chief magistrate, district judge Timothy Workman, said in the mildest and gentlest fashion that it was usual for defendants to sit exactly there. So the MPs, who had plonked themselves on comfy chairs towards the back, had to file into a glass cage in the corner of the court. It looked slightly like the bulletproof conservatory the Israelis built for Adolf Eichmann. A tiny woman, a court attendant, locked them in, possibly in case they tried to flee in time for a crucial Commons vote.

This is not the kind of treatment MPs, who are kings of the castle in parliament, are used to.

Outside Westminster magistrates court a vast crowd of photographers had gathered, and a somewhat smaller crowd of protesters. What they lacked in numbers they made up in spray-gunned anger: placards denounced "Bakers, politicians, rozzers, grasping, corrupt, filthy pigs the lot ?" Some wore pig masks, others were dressed as Guy Fawkes.

Back in the Commons there was another mini-scandal on the way. It was They Just Don't Get It, episode CXXII. Having just spent £400,000 on refurbishing one of the bars, they plan to spend another £400,000 on turning it into a day nursery for the infant children of MPs and staff. This total sum, which would buy a family home in one of London's nicer areas, has not been vetted by the relevant committee ? because, we are told, there isn't time. Tories suspect it's not been checked because it would be turned down.

Back at the beak's, the clerk, a young blonde woman, read out the charges. It took around 10 minutes. The MPs stood up in their glazed cage ? Jim Devine looking truculent, David Chaytor anxious, Elliott Morley brick-red and cross.

Knowles explained how his clients were going to claim the charges were none of the court's business ? thanks to article 9 in the Bill of Rights, 1689, what happens in parliament stays in parliament. Workman, mild as ever, said he declined jurisdiction and packed them off for trial at the end of the month.

Outside the court there was chaos. "Oink, oink, oink" yelled the people dressed as pigs. "Bye, bye, scum, bye!" said someone else ? and he was a photographer. The three MPs and their brief somehow struggled into a cab which managed ? just ? to drive away without crushing a dozen cameramen's feet.

I pondered what MPs' children will be taught in the new creche. If they can't agree on finger painting or stories, a burly policeman will arrive and bellow "Division!" There will be instruction in expenses. "No, Jordan, you can claim for a Wendy house because you can sit in that, but not for a doll's house. Wayne, you're very naughty, claiming for a Matchbox lorry! Make that claim for a Tonka truck, but only if it's carrying Lego bricks deemed essential for your education under terms agreed with the Fees Office ?"

Hit the auto-update button for the latest posts and email your tales of unashamed loserishness rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk, or follow the match with our desktop scoreboard. And if you get bored, read this charming interview with Alan Shearer

83rd over: England 337-3 (Cook 146, Collingwood 8) The grunting eejit Shahadat Hossain returns, armed with a new ball. His first ball is a joke, a dismal off-side wide. "I performed bass guitar and embarrassing surname duties for Lowgold," says Miles Willey. "Born and bred Bromley (north) as I am I'm not sure what put a bigger smile on my face this morning ? the public admission that the office-workshy sports journalist of choice was even aware of our band, or the fact that I share a geographical bond with said gent. Rejoice, Men of Kent. 'The fifth and final Test' is the working title for the big comeback record."

82nd over: England 336-3 (Cook 146, Collingwood 8) Collingwood charges Razzak again, this time driving a single to mid off. "Morning Rob," says Neill Brown. "As Melanie Brown's absentee brother, I'd like to convey my birthday congratulations to the person whose day belongs to them: Happy Birthday Paul Wakefield, complete stranger. On an unrelated note, during the drinks break, google searh The Onion and the advert for Danish tourism [can't find it at the moment because I'm on my seco...third Woodford Reserve on the rocks]."

81st over: England 334-3 (Cook 145, Collingwood 7) No second new ball yet, so Cook pulls the offspinner for four more. His highest Test score is 160, and he's nearly there now. "I love Collingwood, Rob, I really do," says Keith Newman. "But since we don't really need a scrappy, defiant, life-saving, 44 from 296 balls, will he know what to do in this situation?" Collingwood, as he showed with that shot in the previous over, can be a decent enforcer on flat pitches against poor attacks. His chameleonic nature is one of his premier virtues, and he's been in great nick all winter. I think he'll score well, and quickly. Collingwood b Razzak 7 it is, then.

80th over: England 327-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 6) Collingwood gives Razzak the charge and drills him back over his head for four authoritative runs. If he gets through the second new ball he'll get a ton here, Collingwood. "I'm now depressed by my fellow Battrickers' disdainful attempts at sad-dom," says Ian Renwick. "Surely investing 20,000 imaginary pounds every week into an imaginary youth academy for the vain imaginary hope of pulling one imaginarily brilliant youth player from said academy just once in an imaginary season is WAY sadder?"

79th over: England 323-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 2) After that little burst of excitement, the game has calmed down again. A maiden from Naeem Islam to Cook. "I've installed an Amiga emulator on my PC so I can play old games," announces Paul Whaley with an entirely warranted pride. "Admittedly, I could play most of them on the PC, but Cannon Fodder is not the same without constantly swapping imaginary 3.5" disks in imaginary 3.5" disk drives and sitting through entirely simulated loading times. That's when games were games: emphasis on playability. And apparently spending most of your time just waiting to play." Is it wrong to secretly miss that ZX Spectrum loading sound? Actually, having just clicked that, yes it bloody is. That's nostalgia gone mad.

78th over: England 323-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 2)
"My girlfriend said last night she thought Pietersen would get 100," says Sam Blackledge. "I told her not to be silly, he's in awful form and probably shouldn't even be on the tour. Who's right?" Phil Brown. Always.

77th over: England 321-3 (Cook 138, Collingwood 1) After those infamous dismissals to Harris and Benn in the nineties, Pietersen was so determined to show that he could be responsible that he probably went too far the other way. "Can I also have a birthday shout, please - I turn 31 tomorrow," says Paul Wakefield. "Cakes are in the kitchen, if that sweetens the deal (or does that make this sound a bit too much like TMS)?" I don't know. I'm just to find the balance between biting my lip hard enough to stay awake but not biting it so hard that I shred it. Anyway, that's enough birthday wishes for today, unless it's Martin McCague's birthday. It isn't.

76th over: England 319-3 (Cook 137, Collingwood 0) "I win the hapless loser challenge, hands down," says Ben Heywood. "Back in September last year during the 3rd ODI against the Aussies, I wrote in asking for the best way to get the sack from a job I hated (I seem to recall that spacehoppers were involved). Later that evening during the England/Croatia football match I received a text ? yes, a text ? telling me I was fired with immediate effect. Coincidence? I think not. 'Twas the OBO wot done it." Ah but that's only one incident. A real loser delivers 24/7, never resting on his or her laurels or even doing anything that might allow him or her to be mistaken for a normal human being.

WICKET! England 319-3 (Pietersen b Razzak 99) He's gone for 99! Pietersen falls to a left-arm spinner in the nineties for the third time in 18 months. It was a pretty good delivery that pitched on off and middle and turned enough to hit the top of off, but Pietersen got himself in a real tangle for no particular reason, squaring himself up and trying to fiddle the delivery to third man. That's such a shame because he played extremely well. Still, he'd have taken 99 at the start, and other popular cliches.

75th over: England 317-2 (Cook 136, Pietersen 98) Naeem Islam (7-0-25-0) has switched ends as we enter the final hour. Cook whips his first ball to deep midwicket for three. He has to make it a Daddy here. Pietersen, on 97, is not tempted by the sight of mid off being brought up and instead works a single to long on for a single off the final delivery. "Another Battricker here," says Joshua Green with an endearing if entirely misplaced pride. "I even went so far as to issue an imaginary press release urging my imaginary star batsman to take his imaginary form from a midweek hundred in the three-day game into the imaginary 50-over contest on a Friday recently. The result? A big hundred, you do the math. Also, why no mention of the fact that Sehwag has joined Northants and that Surrey are still lacking a quality second overseas player for the Twenty20?" Right, that's enough Battricking. There must be something even sadder one of you can talk about.

74th over: England 313-2 (Cook 133, Pietersen 97) Razzak has replaced Naeem Islam, but Pietersen, within one hit of his first century since April, resists the temptation to over the top. "Seeing as it's Birthday Friday," says Robert Hoare, "I'd like to give a big shout out to Jessica Fletcher, who may or may not be 80 today."

73rd over: England 309-2 (Cook 132, Pietersen 94) Shakib keeps himself in the attack, which is a pretty brave move given the treatment he took from Pietersen in the last over. This time it's Cook on strike, and he crashes a short delivery through the covers for four. This is far too easy for England. "PLEEEAAASE can I have an OBO birthday shout out too?" says Paula Finn, aged 74. Ish. "I am a regular OBO reader and contributer, blah blah blah. Not sharing my age, but I'm older than Melanie Brown, but younger than Jonathan Brown's dad!"

72nd over: England 305-2 (Cook 128, Pietersen 94) "The first thing I did this morning when the alarm went off wasn't to put on TMS, but to access OBO," apologises Guy Hornsby. "Now, many unbelievers would see this as the last vestiges of sanity, eschewing the media of television (me? Sky? pah) or radio for text, but I know where my loyalties lie. Much as I love Bumble, he's no Gary Naylor. So while, to the majority of the outside world, I may be a loser, I know we're all winners here. The sound of rousing music is fading in as I type..."

71st over: England 304-2 (Cook 127, Pietersen 94) Pietersen drives Shakib lazily over long on for six, the 50th of his Test career, and then swishes two more boundaries to long on. Sixteen from the over. "Another Battricker here," says Chris Duncan. "Team is called Airlock and I think I have become far too attached to my imaginary players. I spent 20 minutes considering whether I should drop my imaginary spinner for today's imaginary one-day match. The imaginary pitch was flat so I did indeed drop him...."

70th over: England 288-2 (Cook 126, Pietersen 79) Test batting doesn't get any easier than this. Bangladesh have been so disappointing. They've thrown the towel in already. "I'm 31!" says Melanie Brown. "'In her thirties' could be as high as 39. You've ruined birthday Friday." I would say 'there's always next year' but you never know at your age.

69th over: England 284-2 (Cook 123, Pietersen 78) Pietersen dumps Shakib back over his head for four. Contempt. "A big shout out to my dad who shares Melanie Brown's birthday and turns 76 today," says Jonathan Wood. "Not that he'll be reading this. He has a life. Not like his son."

68th over: England 279-2 (Cook 122, Pietersen 74) The strangely underbowled offspinner Naeem Islam, just four overs so far, replaces Rubel Hossain (12-0-72-1). Cook sweeps for a single and then Pietersen thrashes a cover-drive right through Aftab Ahmed and away for four. Bangladesh's fielding has been desperately poor today; I reckon five or six boundaries have gone straight through fielders. "Do I out-loser Mr Stork-Brett (over 61) if I say his message, rather than get me thinking about bums and boobies and that, reminded me rather of the 'pneumatically assisted' Lego products of my yoof?" asks Ian Helm. "Apparently, they're still going." You can still find 'em.

67th over: England 274-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 70) Shakib continues to bowl the ball right onto the middle of Pietersen's bat. Pietersen has really monopolised the strike since tea, but plays out a maiden there so that Cook can have a hit. "New Zealand's bowling in the Hadlee era was described as 'like the World XI from one end and Ilford Seconds from the other'," says Gary Naylor. "Bangladesh's is like Ilford Seconds from both ends."

66th over: England 274-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 70) Pietersen evades a sharp bouncer from Rubel Hossain and then slaps a no-ball for four. Oh my dear lord, Sky have cut to a video of Bumble singing with some locals. Think this, only even more jauntily sinister. "Morning, Robert," says Darren Ford. "Darren Ford from Q-list indie hasn't-beens, Lowgold, here. I really can't take issue with you struggling to remember the details of our nano-career (49th over), though miraculously guessing correctly the full and complete name of our debut album along with its year of release was a sterling effort. What I will object to, however, is the quasi-slanderous 'metrosexual' classification. I'm so incensed I can hardly bring myself to moisturise. Apologies for the tardy nature of my retort, by the way; my yoga lesson over-ran and I didn't receive the text message alerting me to your reference till after my third bowl of organic muesli (soya milk,
naturally). I hug men." I don't know where to start. Hugging men, probably, but we'll leave that for now. Just Backward of Square was a very good album, especially Beauty Dies Young, which I liked to imagine was written in reference to Martin McCague's Test career. Tragically, not only do I remember the album but I remember when and where I bought it: Virgin in Bromley South, on a Tuesday, in about March 2001. Take my life, please.

65th over: England 268-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 65) "How about this?" says Josh Robinson. "I still treasure my only cricket-related autograph, that of Simon Hughes, collected after a Sunday League game between Durham and Leicestershire in the early Nineties, after being snubbed by Ian Botham and Dean Jones, aged 11. It added to the pangs of joy I felt as I heard Hughes' mellifluous tones on TMS. I'm a loser."

64th over: England 267-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 64) A regal shot from Pietersen, who stands tall and blasts Rubel Hossain straight down the ground for four before holding the pose at the end of his follow through, his horizontal bat pointing down the ground like an exaggerated duck's beak. That was lovely. This has been a noticeably humble innings but there was a hint of the old swagger there. "There is no shame in dumping a smoking hotty," says Matt Turland. "However, when you get dumped by a beast for talking about 'smart nonsense', that's when you need to start asking questions. Not that that has ever happened to me. I'm a winner."

63rd over: England 260-2 (Cook 120, Pietersen 59) Pietersen plays out a maiden from Shakib. He has been economical and businesslike in this innings. I agree with Rob Key and Nick Knight in the Sky studio, who said they think that, because of his recent struggles, there will be no frills or risky shots in this innings. He will just go on and on and on and on. "57???" sniffs birthday girl Melanie Brown. I jest of course. She's thirt- she's in her thirties.

62nd over: England 260-2 (Cook 120, Pietersen 59) Pietersen leans on a leg-stump half-volley from Rubel Hossain and sends it spinning through midwicket for four. It was a no-ball as well. "You want loser?" says Neil Stork-Brett. "I'll give you loser. For a few months early last year I dated a blonde, pneumatically-assisted equestrian rider who was also a part-time swimsuit model and 'grid girl'. And I broke up with her as she was superficial and not very bright. I.Broke.Up.With.Her."

61st over: England 253-2 (Cook 119, Pietersen 54) Shakib Al Hasan starts at the other end, but Bangladesh's body language is desperate, as it has been for much fo the day. They assumed the position after about 10 overs. There are some England batting averages crying out to be massaged over the next three sessions. "I still find this whole ICC Referral system a joke," says Steve Pye, laughing heartily to demonstrate the point. "Here we have a series without referrals, whereas in other countries we have it, albeit some broadcasters don't have the hotspot technology. It is a farce. If this test match was being played in England there is every chance that Trott would have gone on to make a century, so things aren't being contested on a level playing field. Could I also plug a charity golf event that I'm taking part in? As part of the Macmillan Longest Golf Challenge, myself and three friends are playing a course in Wales, England and Scotland all on June 21. Any donations are welcome."

60th over: England 251-2 (Cook 118, Pietersen 53) Right, time for the evening session. England should be looking at a score of around 380 for two at the close. Rubel Hossain (8-0-44-1) starts after the break. Pietersen plays around his pad, prompting a biggish LBW appeal, but he got an inside-edge and it was possibly going down leg. That aside, he was plumb. Cook then squirts a wide yorker to third man for four. In the Sky box, Bumble and Mike Atherton are talking about some of the great howlers at the toss ? today, Nasser at Brisbane, Ponting at Edgbaston, Azha at Lord's in 1990 and so on. Funny captains are scarcely ever savaged for batting first, even if their team are bowled out for next to nothing. There was a good piece on this by the excellent Rahul Bhattacharya in Wisden. 2006 maybe, I forget. "After another look at the scoreboard I'd like to congratulate your readers for their courage in revealing their own shortcomings at eight in the morning," says Geoff Roberts. "It looks as if a good England innings unlocks the need to confess. How could this be used by the NHS?"

TEA

59th over: England 243-2 (Cook 113, Pietersen 51) Pietersen reaches a much-needed fifty, only his third in the last nine Tests, thanks to a desperate misfield from Razzak from mid-off, who spills a drive to the boundary. He has played encouragingly and can get as many runs as he wants here, really. Anyway, that's tea. England are in complete control of this match, having scored 139 runs in that season for the unfortunate loss of Jonathan Trott. See you in 15 minutes.

58th over: England 237-2 (Cook 112, Pietersen 46) Yet another inside-out drive from Pietersen, this time through extra cover for four off the increasingly expensive Shakib. It was in the air but completely under control and bisected the men at mid-off and cover perfectly.

57th over: England 230-2 (Cook 110, Pietersen 41) Short leg has gone now for both batsmen, so Shakib Al Hasan has just a slip for each bowler and a head full of regrets at his decision to bowl first. Pietersen forces Mahmudallah behind point to move into the forties.

56th over: England 228-2 (Cook 110, Pietersen 39) Three from Shakib's over. Just ten minutes to tea now. Given that 38 of the 56 overs have been bowled by spinners, the over-rate isn't great.

55th over: England 225-2 (Cook 109, Pietersen 37) That's another lovely stroke from Cook, who gives himself a bit of room and feathers Mahmudullah wide of mid-off for four. The highest of Cook's 11 Test centuries is 160; if he doesn't get a Daddy here, he never will. "It does have to be said she had a dazed and bewildered look on her face at the time," says Phil Withall of his 51st-over confession. "An ideal reaction with the curse of Norwich supporting thrust upon her. To be honest a small slice of Norwich's debts may not be as rewarding as two hours of Zac Efron but will stand her in better stead for life's disapointments."

54th over: England 217-2 (Cook 103, Pietersen 35) "Morning Rob, morning everybody," says Josh Robinson. "From Berlin, where it at least has the semblance of being a reasonable time to be awake, and where it's perfect lying-in-bed-all-day-weather. I know Bopara looked shot by the end of the fourth Ashes test, but would someone like to remind me just how many
stinkers he was on the wrong end of in that series? Leaving him out of the final Test made sense, but then not keeping him in the squad for the last two tours seems callous. Meanwhile, if 'carefully managing' Rashid involves taking him to South Africa as a specialist drinks-carrier and then not bringing him on a tour where he's more likely to do well, I wonder what the selectors are supposed to have learned from the experiences of Salisbury and Schofield." Well I just think it has made them even more cautious than they already would be with a discipline that the English intrinsically don't understand. Twice bitten, thrice shy and all that.

53rd over: England 215-2 (Cook 102, Pietersen 34) Cook reaches his century in the grand manner, swiping Mahmudullah handsomely over deep midwicket for six, his second of the innings. He scored a century in his first Test against India, Pakistan and West Indies, and now he has added Bangladesh to the list. He swishes his bat in delight and gets a huge hug from Pietersen. That's a very fine performance in his first match as captain. "I should have left for work 15 minutes ago," says Niall Taylor. "I am stood standing in the kitchen with hat and coat on waiting for Cook to get his hundred. Surely such basic activities of an OBOer are, by a normal person's standards, pitifully lame?" I don't know, I think it's normal to be stood standing.

52nd over: England 207-2 (Cook 94, Pietersen 34)
Pietersen laps Shakib from well wide of off stump for four. He top-edged it but it was perfectly safe and drifted down to deep backward square. Later in the over he makes room to drive inside-out through Rubel Hossain at mid-off for four more. This technical change is working very well so far. "You really have a superb bunch of readers for this pre-am ramble through the neurosis-laiden groves of cricket addicts," says Geoff Roberts. "Some of these links really do awaken my professional interest."

51st over: England 199-2 (Cook 94, Pietersen 26) Cook eases Mahmudullah through midwicket for a couple. "I sing 'The Turkey Song' by The Damned to my 22-month-old baby, gave shares in Norwich City to my eight-year-old daughter and love toasted spam and cheese sandwiches as a breakfast option," says Phil Withall. "Sad enough?" I'd love to have seen your daughter's face as she opened her birthday present, expecting all manner of High School Musical things and instead finding shares in Norwich City. Then again, every time I move I start watching my DVDs from scratch and split them between those I've watched and those I haven't, so I don't know who I'm calling a loser.

50th over: England 197-2 (Cook 92, Pietersen 26) Cook forces Shakib through the covers for two to move into the nerveless nineties. He will surely became the fifth Englishman to make a century in their first innings as Test captain: the others are Archie MacLaren, Allan Lamb, Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen. Four As and a K. What would Cypress Hill make of that? "In response to Ian Renwick's vital query (47th over), yup fellow battricker here," says Chris Seymour. "I play as HeavySmoker and run a West Indian team called Wheezing Death. Well, it was the best I could come up with at the time."

49th over: England 192-2 (Cook 89, Pietersen 24) Mahmudullah replaces Razzak. England really are cruising though. "Greetings from Dubai," says Paul King, executive producer of the Sky team who deservedly won best TV show for their Test-match coverage at this week's Sports Journalism Awards. (It was great to see Booth getting overdue recognition as well, although I wouldn't click on that huge byline pic at this hour.) "Not on telly here so following the action with you overlooking the inevitable building site. Sadly have to leave for airport shortly. BPIHW is a particular Fall favourite so nice to see that driven down the ground 'early doors'. Not much re 'shoutalong paens to cricketing glory' coming in although back-in-vogue Pavement's Carrot Rope is allegedly about cricket. Or at least contains cricket references." Didn't indie metrosexuals Lowgold release an album called Just Backward of Square in 2001? I can't even remember.

48th over: England 188-2 (Cook 86, Pietersen 23) "It's coming Shakib, it's coming now lads" sledges Mushfiqur as Pietersen plays defensively. The only thing that's coming is a return to form for Pietersen; he looks very good indeed here. "I'm horribly, horribly hungover," says Alex Netherton. "Yeah? !?!!" Netherton once showed real promise as one of life's potential losers, but last night was his engagement party. So a) congratulations and b) immediate disqualification.

47th over: England 186-2 (Cook 85, Pietersen 22) Pietersen sweeps the harmless Razzak very fine for four. "I need to know (yes, it's that important) if any fellow Battrickers are currently following this OBO," demands Ian Renwick.

46th over: England 177-2 (Cook 81, Pietersen 17) Shakib brings himself on, so now we do have left-arm spin at both ends. But England's serene march to victory by an innings and 700 runs continues. Pietersen has had no problems with the spinners as yet. He's playing it pretty straight in more ways than one. "Er hang on - Michael Carberry was opening?" says Rachel Clifton. "What the hell?" Opener-in-opening-the-innings shocker. Is that a surprise? I thought everyone knew they were going to play six batsmen?

45th over: England 175-2 (Cook 80, Pietersen 17) A superb stroke from Cook, who takes a half-step down the track to Razzak and waves him wide of mid-on for four. The placement was lovely there. "No," announces Phil Podolsky. "I win at the game of losers: this is my YT channel." You called it YT; that means you're at least hip enough for the previous decade. Some of us are still mired in the Eighties. All together now: every loser wins, once the dream begins. (What sort of message is that to send, by the way? Oh yeah, your life will be great when your asleep, but otherwise you've had it.)

44th over: England 166-2 (Cook 74, Pietersen 14) Rubel Hossain continues, a tactic I can't really fathom. He has tried the odd full, straight delivery, but he's 10mph down on the likes of Taylor and Steyn and that makes a huge difference. "One good thing about playing Tests without referrals is that it makes you realise what a good thing they are," says Peter Norton. "I am most definitely not pining for the Ashes. Too much hype about that. The real problem of the last couple of decades is the decline of the Windies and Pakistan which has meant that the number of good tight series has declined. The problem with playing a team like Bangladesh is that everyone wants them to win and make a breakthrough but not against my team please." I think Test cricket is in pretty decent health. If we could get rid of the occasional "chief executive's pitch", to use Steve Harmison's splendid phrase, we'd see off that evil wench Twenty20 in no time.

43rd over: England 164-2 (Cook 73, Pietersen 13) Dominic Cork makes the decent observation that Pietersen seems to be keeping his left leg as far out of the way as possible against the left-arm spin. In that over, he rocks back to force a short delivery from Razzak very nicely through the covers for four. The early signs are good. "Ever gone to a frightfully posh French fancy dress party as Snow White, purely so you can take your Beefy and Boony dolls ? ahem, figurines ? as the dwarf contingency?" asks Poppy McNee. "I win at the game of losers. Oh."

42nd over: England 159-2 (Cook 72, Pietersen 9) Bangladesh have surely missed a trick by leaving Rubel Hossain on at Pietersen. Sometimes the plan is so obvious for a reason: in the absence of someone who can bowl fast, full and straight like Jerome Taylor or Dale Steyn, I would have left-arm spin at both ends early on for Pietersen. They might have to now: Rubel is down in a lot of pain after being hit flush on the knee by a throw from mid-on. Oof! He was looking the other way. He never, ever saw it coming at all. He manages to finish the over after an impromptu drinks break, but only after Pietersen has clouted a pull for four more.

41st over: England 155-2 (Cook 72, Pietersen 5) Pietersen is greeted by left-arm spin in the shape of Razzak. There's a silly point and a slip, and Pietersen gets off the mark by stroking one inside-out past mid-off for a gorgeous boundary. "I really enjoy eating vinegar sandwiches," says Don Wilson. "Does that count?" No, that's just weird, and that's not a compliment.

40th over: England 149-2 (Cook 71, Pietersen 0) "So are you willing to stick your neck out and make a prediction about what KP is going to come up with today?" says Dave Mooney. "The obvious choices are more abject failure (bowled for 5) or a Gerrardesque V-sign to his critics (200 not out). But I'm going to guess that he'll get a not-great-but-not-terrible total of 45 or so and then get himself out in some highly ridiculous way like tripping over the stumps or hitting the ball twice." LBW b SLA 21.

WICKET! England 149-2 (Trott c Mushfiqur Rahim b Rubel Hossain 39) Trott gets a stinker. Rubel got some real life out of the pitch with a good, straight bouncer and, as Trott shaped to pull, the ball looped off the helmet and high in the air for the wicketkeeper Mushfiqur to take a straightforward catch running back. It looked like the umpire Tony Hill wasn't going to give it, but in fact he was waiting for Trott ? who had turned round to follow the ball ? to face him. When he did Hill raised the finger, at which point Trott looked, in the parlance of our time, pretty radged off. Presumably Hill thought that Trott edged the ball onto his helmet, but he didn't. In fact, Sky's technology shows there was a decent gap between bat and ball. Fire up Bob Willis, I want to hear his views on that.

39th over: England 147-1 (Cook 70, Trott 38) Cook misses a sweep, prompting a preposterously undignified appeal for LBW by Razzak. The ball hit Cook a long way outside off stump. Razzak has switched ends. In unrelated news, is anyone out there? Come on, someone must have some desperately loserish tendencies foibles they want to share. We're all friends here!

38th over: England 145-1 (Cook 69, Trott 37) The swing bowler Rubel Hossain (4-0-31-0) is coming back into the attack. He has just one slip and a gully for Trott, who takes a sharp single to mid-on. Cook then works a single off the pads. Trott then pushes one past point. This could be a long afternoon. "This is so boring i could eat my own face," says John Butler. "How long to the Ashes." Too long, baby.

37th over: England 141-1 (Cook 67, Trott 35) Shahadat bangs the ball in, a particularly stupid tactic on this pudding of a pitch, and Cook clouts a disdainful pull for four. Later in the over Cook pushes a half-volley wide of mid-off for four more. "A great morning song," says Phil Podolsky. "A great sexploitation song, strictly speaking, but somehow also a great energizer." My answer is always the same: they are not mutually exclusive.

36th over: England 133-1 (Cook 59, Trott 35) No silly point for Trott anymore, a reflection of England's control. Razzak continues to wheel away, but it's anodyne stuff ? slow bowling rather than spin bowling, and it's the offspinners who have got the most out of this pitch so far. A few works to leg bring England eight runs from the over. "I have a plastic figuirine of Wolves legend Steve Bull ostentatiously displayed in my living room," says Dean Butler. "I also buy Star Wars figures for my two-year-old son so I can play with them and I own a limited edition Euro '96 Subbuteo set. I'm 35. Sad." I have a football figure of Gary Penrice. It wasn't even bought ironically. I honestly couldn't explain it. I don't display it, mind, ostentatiously or otherwise.

35th over: England 125-1 (Cook 57, Trott 29) Trott again works Shahadat off the pads for a couple and then cover-drives a no-ball for four. Shahadat tries to liven things up by shaping to throw at the stumps when he fields Trott's defensive push. Trott walks away, not even bothering to tell him to talk to the hand, girlfriend. With England cruising, here's a football-related link for you. And when you put it all together, there's the model of an etc. "Nothing is beneath me," says Dean Butler. "As far as I can determine I have no principles and very few morals. You'd think people or organisations in the world would want to make use of these attributes or rather lack of them but I continue to wait for the flood of offers begging for my services."

34th over: England 117-1 (Cook 57, Trott 22) Two from Razzak's over. "Singing in the shower ? that's pretty sad," announces professional champion David Mills. "As the OBOs are full of unashamed losers, maybe we should have a loser-off. For example, I genuinely felt a tear when I heard Suddenly by Angry Anderson in the last episode of Gavin & Stacey." Amateur hour. I shed a tear during American Pie and when Clive Gibbons left Neighbours, I know Martin McCague's Test figures (4-121, 0-58, 0-115, 2-96) off by heart, I can remember the BBC commentary for every goal of England's Italia 90 campaign, and I frequently repeat them in the shower. In this game of one-downmanship*, there can only be one winner.

* I nicked this phrase from Mac Millings. Nicking phrases from Mac Millings. And admitting it. Yep, I win.

33rd over: England 114-1 (Cook 56, Trott 21) Trott whips Shahadat to fine leg for two. It's a kook-off, this: Shahadat's grunting against Trott's fastidious preparation for each delivery. England are extremely comfortable at the moment. "So," says Vince Marchi, "this exists." That is pretty much the best thing that has happened to anyone, ever. There goes my social life for 2010. [Insert your own joke here.]

32nd over: England 111-1 (Cook 56, Trott 18) Abdur Razzak continues from the Pavilion End. The fields are more attacking for Trott, with a silly point that isn't in evidence for Cook, but he has looked pretty serene so far.

31st over: England 109-1 (Cook 55, Trott 17) Shahadat Hossain, world cricket's premier grunting medium-pacer, starts after lunch. His over includes an off-side wide, and then Trott squirts a drive to third man for four to Shahadat's considerable chagrin. "Innocent," says Phil Podolsky of my 26th-over suggestion. "I understand your suspicion, but I'm a different type of geek ? petty internet tomfoolery is one of the few things I consider below me." You consider things beneath you? Oh dear, you have much to learn about this life of unremitting sorrow which you claim to understand.

Songs to sing in the shower in the early hours of a Friday morning, part one in a very short series.

LUNCH

30th over: England 104-1 (Cook 55, Trott 13) Abdur Razzak comes on, which means we've seen four spinners. Before lunch. On day one. After Bangladesh put the opposition is. Razzak bowled quite well in the ODIs but his Test record is hopeless ? seven wickets at 80 apiece ? and Trott defends easily and even treats himself to a run off the final delivery. What the hell, it's Friday. So that's lunch, and it was a very decent morning for England. Alastair Cook played nicely, while Michael Carberry looked a bit fragile against spin. I'm off to shove my sorry face under a shower in the hope it will wake me up. See you in 30 minutes.

29th over: England 102-1 (Cook 54, Trott 12) Mahmudullah has gone around the wicket to Trott. Yes, that really is the best I can come up with.

28th over: England 101-1 (Cook 53, Trott 12) Cook cuts Shakib for four to bring up a coolly authoritative half-century, from 84 balls. Good stuff. "Going back to the Shah/Bopara issue, wasn't half of the problem the insistence of the selectors to bat them at No3 before they were ready?" says Tim Claremont. "I know that we don't have a 'natural' three in the current set up, but it's hardly the easiest place to find yourself early in your Test career. Sure, both of them had other issues too, but they'd have been less exposed if they'd had time to settle at Nos5 or 6 and could still be in the side if they'd been left there. If the standard is still set by Australia, then their practice of letting someone grow into the side lower down the order before moving to the pivotal role seems far more sensible than chucking them in at the deep end when still wet behind the ears. Let's just hope that Trott bucks the trend." I agree, and there's a concern that Trott won't buck the trend. England's problem is that they are unusually stocked with Nos 5-6, because of Paul Collingwood's technique, Ian Bell's mental fragility and Kevin Pietersen's reluctance to bat above No4 (and you suspect he would probably prefer to bat No5). It means that the man in the most important position is often the most inexperienced. I'd still like to try Cook in that role, if they find aROB KEYnother opener.

27th over: England 95-1 (Cook 48, Trott 11) A maiden from Mahmudullah to Cook. "Hoppsy is 50 and routinely irritated by the very fact," says David Hopps. "However, thanks to some Chittagong dietary issues, there is every chance of losing the signs of middle-aged spread by the end of the Test without a single gym session. As the last power cut sent me flying over the top of the treadmill this is probably a good thing." I wonder who the world's oldest Tweeter* is. Seriously, for at least four seconds then I was thinking of downing tools and going off on a mission to find out.

* Is that the correct word? I can think of an alternative.

26th over: England 94-1 (Cook 48, Trott 10) Trott's pulseless progress continues with a work to leg for a single off Shakib, who has figures of 6-0-18-0. Yes, I did only type those entirely underwhelming figures because I could think of nothing else to say. "This one's not bad either" says Phil Podolsky, who may or may not be spending the mezzanine hours setting up Twitter accounts in my name.

25th over: England 91-1 (Cook 46, Trott 9) Cook, continuing the recent tradition of English batsmen being initially inspired by the captaincy (Vaughan excepted), paddles Mahmudullah very fine for four. He laps a little airily later in the over, but it's safe enough and he gets a single. "I'd love to go to sleep," says Dean Butler. "This job is the third circle of hell. Still this is the first time there's been cricket during the night and I feel a slightly nauseating sense of being less alone in the company of OBO. That's sad." Solidarity among losers. It'd almost be life-affirming if it wasn't so depressing.

24th over: England 85-1 (Cook 41, Trott 8) Shakib is really crowding Trott now: short leg, silly point, slip and gully. Trott defends solidly, though. I wonder if he ever gets bored of his own batting. "You and Twitter - that's a weird love/hate thing, isn't it?" says Phil Podolsky. "Must say though that of your 27 different accounts your original one is your best." (Warning to avoid me getting in trouble with The Man: that link contains some grown-up words.) I can't be bothered with Twitter. I deleted my account when somebody awarded me 'Shithead of the day' for something I'd written on an MBM. I'm just too darn sensitive and comfortable with my sexuality for such abuse.

23rd over: England 84-1 (Cook 40, Trott 8) Cook misses a big slog-sweep at Mahmudullah but there was only a strangled LBW shout: he was a long forward and it was bouncing over the top. As Dominic Cork says, Rod Tucker, the umpire at that end, has had a good morning on those LBWs. Trott then survives a precautionary referral to the third umpire after a quick single to midwicket.

22nd over: England 83-1 (Cook 39, Trott 8) Trott, trying to work Shakib to leg, gets a leading edge that plops safely wide of silly point. Shakib clearly has the scent here, but Trott responds with a pleasant cover-drive for four. "I have given OBO a plug on my very new Twitter account so I can just sit back and watch the cricket, well as much as I can see anyway through the back of the head of the man from the Daily Star," says David Hopps. "Watch the messages flood in from my 70 followers!" On Twitter at your age*. Tut tut tut. It's only a small step to skinny jeans or Spandex trousers from there.

* I have no idea how old Hoppsy is and shouldn't really be calling any kettles black, no

21st over: England 79-1 (Cook 39, Trott 4) All the focus on Kevin Pietersen has obscured what a vital series this is for Jonathan Trott. I thought some of the press he got after the South Africa series was on the harsh side, but he needs a score or two in this series if England aren't to consider going back to the drawing board yet again in the No3 position.

20th over: England 77-1 (Cook 38, Trott 3) Shakib Al Hasan comes on for Naeem Islam. He likes his bowling changes, doesn't he. He has a slip, gully and silly point for Trott, who edges to third man with soft hands for a couple. Not Andrex-soft hands, but definitely Sainsbury Revive Recycled Toilet Tissue-soft hands.

19th over: England 74-1 (Cook 37, Trott 1) Here's Phil Podolsky. "Apropos (500) Days of Summer: not being one to enjoy rom-coms, my first reaction is best summarized in the words of the one time super obesse who ludicroudly supposes the bewitching Wonderfalls protagonist Jay has developed a morbid romantic obsession with his farcical self: 'Normally I'd find that creepy but, you know, she's not ugly.' On second thought - a thoroughly charming flick and no mistake." I know that Melanie Brown* and Poppy McNee, two of the OBOettes ? think the Soccer AM girls without the misogyny ? completely agree with you.

* Who turns 57 today, so happy birthday!!!!!!!

WICKET! England 72-1 (Carberry LBW b Mahmudullah 30) That had been coming. The ball after surviving a huge shout for LBW, Carberry missed a sweep at a ball that hit him just on the line of off stump and would have hit off and middle three-quarters of the way up. A 21st-century LBW decision, that, but definitely the correct one. So ends a mixed innings from Carberry, who started splendidly against the seamers but struggled badly when the slow bowlers came on.

18th over: England 72-0 (Cook 36, Carberry 30) Some short, wide filth from Naeem Islam gets the appropriate treatment, a spanking cut stroke for four. At one stage Cook has two to Carberry's 23, but he has really accelerated against the spinners. That said, he was turned round nicely by the final delivery, with the edge flying safely through the vacant gully area. There is plenty of turn in this pitch. Talking of which. "Ref: the treatment of Bopara & Shah, at least they were given a chance," says Sarah Ansell. "What exactly does James Tredwell have to do to be selected? Be the best bowler in the warm up match...oh!" It's a Kent conspiracy. I've never forgiven them for feeding Min Patel to the Indian batsmen in 1996. What sort of series is that to give a young spinner his debut in!

17th over: England 68-0 (Cook 32, Carberry 30) Carberry is dropped by this sadly iron-gloved wicketkeeper Mushfiqur Rahim. He pushed forward to a good delivery from Mahmudullah that turned enough to take the edge, but Mushfiqur's reaction were slow and he inadvertently punched it down in front of first slip. It was textbook off-spin bowling from Mahmudullah, really, and that's a bad miss.

16th over: England 68-0 (Cook 32, Carberry 30) Dominic Cork is in the Sky commentary box. He was on TMS a couple of years ago and was very impressive. Cook whips a full-toss from Naeem through midwicket for four. That's all. England are cruising just now, even if Carberry is a little becalmed against the spinners. "Shakib is obviously a fine player who might, one day, be as good as Dan Vettori," says Gary Naylor. "But isn't the problem for Bangladesh that, after all this international cricket and coaching from top-line practitioners, that they have no other players of the standard of Ross Taylor, Brendon McCullum, Jacob Oram etc? Any team can be forgiven for not producing a Shane Bond, but there should really be a Bangladeshi Chris Martin by now. PS I'm off to Test Match Sofa to talk a bit during the middle session." Give them time. It's only been 10 years ? Sri Lanka weren't much better after 10 years ? and they are starting to produce a few very interesting players, most notably Shakib and Tamim Iqbal.

15th over: England 64-0 (Cook 28, Carberry 30) It's spin from botn ends, a real treat for an OBO at 4.32am, with the offspinner Mahmudullah replacing Rubel Hossain. Three singles from his first over. "I didn't mean to suggest the selection committee was self-consciously racist/discriminatory," says Scott W. "But the tact and delicacy with which certain egos in the England set-up are massaged contrasts sharply with the graceless and cruel way other personalities are cut down. I agree Shah has plenty to offer. But Bopara wasn't dropped - he was dumped. Defenestrated. And also destroyed. This after emerging as the pretty much the only bright spot in the last World Cup, and showing enough in ODIs to suggest he could ? with sufficient management, the right kind of coaching ? develop into the sort of stubborn allrounder Paul Collingwood embodies. I admit he was a shambles in the Ashes, but his dumping from the team could have been handled far better. Also, as a Yorkshireman, I find it impossible to talk about England's treatment of Adil Rashid without my voice trembling, if not outright sobbing. So it's a good job I'm typing this." I always thought the biggest mistake with Bopara was giving him his debut in Sri Lanka, which buggered Shah's Test career and set Bopara's back a few years. But there are so many wrong turns a young player can take ? some their own fault, some to do with coaching, or management, or fate ? that it's never just a case of talent willing out. It's an incredibly complex area, with little to go on except instinct, and often mistakes are only apparent with hindsight.

14th over: England 60-0 (Cook 27, Carberry 28) The groping Carberry is beaten by a jaffa from Naeem Islam that pitches on middle and spits past the edge and through the keeper Mushfiqur Rahim for four byes. That was a gorgeous delivery. "Lalit Modi could be dissuaded from topless T20 by a timely airing of those Jimmy Ormond photos," says Nick Wiltsher. Those? I thought there was only one. Is there something you want to tell me, Nick?

13th over: England 53-0 (Cook 25, Carberry 28) It's Rubel Hossain who changes ends, in fact, and Carberry chases a wide one first ball. He missed it by a fair way, scraping his bat on the turf as the ball zipped past the edge. Cook pulls handsomely for four later in the over and then slaps another boundary through a hapless fielder at mid-off. England will be extremely happy with this start. "This Carberry looks alright," says Ben Grant. "Which South African province did you lot pinch him from?" Brendon Juli-who?

12th over: England 41-0 (Cook 14, Carberry 27) The offspinner Naeem Islam replaces Shakib, who may just be switching ends. Cook goes for another mighty slog-sweep but misses it completely. He plays the stroke again later in the over, dragging it a little and getting two. Somebody might want to tell him that you are allowed to score in other areas as well. "Hello fellow night-shifter," says Cricinfo's Andrew McGlashan. "How much fun is this going to be? Don't answer that! Most interesting moment will be when KP walks in and Shakib does a Yuvraj. It'll be like playing India in the 80s and 90s. There will be six overs of pace then the rest from spin. That's always fun when doing ball-by-ball." This is my favourite example of that: Eknath Solkar (Test average: 59) and Sunil Gavaskar (Test average: 206) bowling three whole overs before they dispensed with the formalities.

11th over: England 37-0 (Cook 10, Carberry 27) Short on leg stump from Shahadat, and Carberry flicks it disdainfully behind square for four with a flourish. Shahadat switches to around the wicket as a consequence. Nothing happens. "Quite right, Rob," says James de Mellow, referring to everything I've ever said but particularly one thing. "Bob Willis Is Right About Everything. One of life's great pleasures it when it rains during a Sky-covered meaningless Pro40 game and he'll rant and poor Charles Colville for hours on end. Once saw him at St. John's Wood tube station on the day of the 2005 C&G final - you don't want a man that tall ranting at you. Colville must have an iron constitution, the battering he's taken over the years."

10th over: England 33-0 (Cook 10, Carberry 23) Shakib goes around the wicket to Cook, again with a slip and short leg. For those who don't know much about him, he is an extremely good cricketer who was The Wisden Cricket's Test player of the year for 2009. And at the very moment I typed those words, the hitherto strokeless Cook slog-swept him emphatically for six. He really nailed that. Shot! "I've just noticed Smyth that you also covered the Liverpool game earlier in the evening," says Dean Butler. "They're working you, oh yes working you. Excellent. An example to the dissolute youth of of our nation."

9th over: England 27-0 (Cook 4, Carberry 23) A harmless over from Shahadat. Cook is doing what Cook does, boring the pants off us, batting in his bubble. He has four from 23 balls; Carberry has 23 from 31 balls. "Hmm," hmmms Jonny Sultoon. "Wouldn't agree at all with the charge by Scott W. Fair point, Owais got Shah-fted but MmmmBop was as flaky as they come. Deservedly dropped." England is full of big racists, I agree, but there aren't any in the England selection team. Bopara had to be dropped ? if they were to pick a young batsman for this series, it should have been Morgan ? and, while I'd like to have seen Rashid, they are obviously managing him so carefully because he's a leg spinner, and we all know what happened to the last two we produced, Ian Salisbury and Chris Schofield.

8th over: England 26-0 (Cook 3, Carberry 23) So having bowled first, Shakib now brings on a spinner in the eighth over. Himself. Bob Willis is into the commentary box. I bloody love Bob Willis. He has a short leg and slip for Carberry, who comes confidently down the track to drive. It fizzes along the ground back to Shakib, who spins round and shapes to throw at the stumps. Good stuff. "Hullo Rob," says Eamonn Maloney. "Still smitten with the word 'phalanx', I see. Word fixations are in the finest tradition of Guardian sports writers, so you needn't be concerned by this minor fetish. However, if you become approximately the 1,641st OBO/MBMer to segue into someone's correspondence using the phrase 'apropos of nothing' today, I may have to blind myself."

7th over: England 25-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 23) Carberry snicks the grunting Shahadat on the bounce to second slip, and the ball goes through him and away for four. It'll be a while before we know whether Carberry is Test-class, but one thing we do is that he will score his runs at a good lick, and England are crying out for such an opener. I still think they could do worse than have Cook at No3 with Strauss opening alongside a dasher. The bounce in this pitch is really erratic: the fourth delivery of that over completely died, but mercifully for Carberry it was miles outside off stump. Shahadat could really get on your nerves; outside the bedroom, I've never seen such zesty grunting for such little reward: he's only bowling around 80mph! "My Canadian housemate has just spent five minutes peering at the Indian stream we get here in Miami, and has decided that she could watch the whole day's play if the Bangladeshis ? especially Shakib Al Hasan and Rubel Hossain ? agree to play with their shirts off," says Nick Wiltsher. "Perhaps you could pass on the request." Ssssh, you'll give Lalit Modi ideas. Mind you, I'd like to have seen Brian Close topless. When he faced Wes Hall in 1963, I mean. Only when he faced Wes Hall.

6th over: England 21-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 19) Four more to Carberry, squirted to third man off Rubel Hossain. He's getting 'em in boundaries for now. Lazy bugger doesn't want to run! Here's a good stat from Sky; the average scores in each innings of a Test on this ground: 369 in the first, 308 in the second, 223 in the third and 104 in the fourth. Shakib, you fear, has dropped a real Nasser here. "Surely this England team will provide a bonanza for team-name trivia specialists," says Kevin Stracey. "Five players with only one syllable and six with five letters or fewer in their surname?" I satisfy both criteria. Pick me! Pick me!

5th over: England 16-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 14) Shahadat's grunt is the most unsettling thing I've seen or heard since Ben Bennett sent in this little post-Lynchian gem. It evokes Mike Atherton's description of Merv Hughes: "all bristle and bullshit". There are plenty of stares and suggestions of imminent doom for the batsman, but Cook is defending pretty comfortably. And his pace is only around 80mph. It's another maiden for Shahdat. "Re: fickle England selection policy," says Scott W. "Forget Tredwell, two players who should be playing and aren't even in the squad: Ravi Bopara and Adil Rashid. We can indulge James Anderson all we like, we have practically groomed Stuart Broad into his current squad role, but standing by two absurdly talented young players of Asian origin? Apparently, that's out of the question."

4th over: England 16-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 14) Carberry gets his first boundary, rocking back to drive Rubel Hossain through point for four classy runs. He helps himself to another next ball, cover-driving a half-volley with crisp confidence. Rubel responds with a snorter that lifts very nicely past Carberry's shoulder. You don't expect that sort of bounce. Carberry completes an interesting over with his third boundary, driven very pleasantly through mid-off. Excellent stuff. "During the Ashes in the summer I stated on this forum that if England won I would stop sitting around enjoying life and go and get a job," says Dean Butler. "They did and I did. Thus I find myself working nights in what used to be called an asylum. I think everyone will agree that there's a lesson in there somewhere."

3rd over: England 4-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 2) Shahadat's first delivery bounces about as much as a piece of plasticine dropped from two feet. I haven't got a clue why Shakib bowled first on this pitch. It would have been a dubious decision at the best of times; to do so when you've picked 12 spinners beggars belief. Saying which, Shahadat has a huge shout for a catch down the leg side; there was definitely a deflection, but Rod Tucker said not out. After a few replays it's hard to be certain what that came off, but on balance I reckon it was only pad. Shahadat, who is a feisty character, ends the over by beating Cook with a bit of a grubber outside off. "Good to see Steve Finn taking his place in the international ranks alongside his fellow Hertfordshire League alumni Darren Sammy and, erm, Daan Van Bunge," says Jon Ryan. "I played against him three years ago and he absolutely terrorised me. I expect top order Test batsman will have a bit more about them than a No11 bunny, but I think we've unearthed one here." He's the new Curtly McGrath, nowt surer.

2nd over: England 4-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 2) Rubel Hossain gets some inswing to the debutant Carberry, who defends comfortably and then gets his first Test run with a whip off the pads to fine leg for a couple. First overs in Test cricket don't come much more comfortable than that. "There is general consternation in the media box in Chittagong with the entire troupe of cricket writers walking around in disbelief at the omission of James Tredwell," says David Hopps, thumping the head of Cricinfo's Andrew Miller repeatedly with an open palm to demonstrate the point. "What a classically conservative, seam-orientated English selection. This surface is better prepared than the one a few yards away, where he took eight wickets in a warm-up, but even so if he cannot play here why is he on the tour? In retrospect, though, it does make our interview with Tredwell yesterday pretty amusing. Lots of 'C'mon, James, stop being so modest, it's obvious you're playing' sort of comments. It ain't obvious now." It's not like they don't have experience of working with only two seamers in Bangladesh, either. That's unless you count Rikki Clarke as a Test-class seamer. My point exactly. The real problem, surely, is picking six batsmen. England hinted at embracing squad rotation ? which will be the norm in a few years, so you might as well get a jump on it ? by omitting Anderson and Strauss, but undid their good work by settling for a tedious consistency when it comes to the balance of the side. We all know they are going to play six batsmen and a keeper in Australia, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't play five here. There isn't much cricket can take from football, but squad rotation is definitely something they should look at.

1st over: England 2-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 0) The lively, spiky Shahadat Hossain, who left Rahul Dravid's phizog in a mess recently, will open the bowling to Alastair Cook, who gets off the mark by tucking some leg-stump dross off his pads. Shahadat has a bit of a Sharapovaesque grunt as he releases the ball. That won't become really, really annoying at 4am. Early impressions are that the pitch has no pace whatsoever. This could be a 244 for three kind of day. Proper. Test. Creekit. "Sat in work watching a storm blow in from the South over Wellington harbour, NZ, wishing I was back home and fast asleep," says Sam Lister. "Instead I am going to have to follow what I fear will be a miserable performance from England. Distance does not diminish a Pom's pessimism." What a sorry state we are.

OBO competition So, last week, we asked you to name Kat Petersen's lobster. It was, incontrovertibly, F.U.N. "The lobster has been named Ian Bell," she says. "I'm going to try very hard to get a photo of The Real Ian Bell holding said lobster. It's good to have aims in life."

Is it? Is it really? A person with no aims is never disappointed, after all. Anyway, the winner is Chris Langmead; Chris, email your address and I'll send a copy of the book when it's published.

A few links while Rob Key does some talking in the Sky studio. God he's compelling

1. This is cute.

2. You can get some very good MPfree action here.

3. Here's the first, the last, the only work of fiction to mention the OBO.

4. You can do nice things for charity both here and here.

5. And if you really, really, really, really insist, you can buy my book here.

Pre-match emails

"Can I be the first to say I hope England's new Curtly Ambrose Finn-ishes the England innings in style/ Finn-ishes with a 5 for on his debut, etc?" - Liam Drew.

"Fully expect to witness a lovely Cook 23*/89 ; Trott 35*/81 by lunch" - Jonny Sultoon.

"Just got up. At 3am. Because there's a Test match featuring England. So I can listen to it on the radio. This level of devotion has me singing Chas N Dave's 'Snooker Loopy' to myself, generalising the spirit of the thing into an anthem of sports geekery. Apart from Candido's 'Soul Limbo', actually one of the Latin disco percussionist's tamer efforts, and that 'One day cricket, one day cricket/ Catch the action of the one day cricket' jingle Sky Sports used back in the day, I am struggling to remember shoutalong paeans to cricketing glory. Any ideas?" - Scott W.

"Teehee! Rob will be here from 3am. Ah, the special brand of humour that is the OBO. Take, for example, the phrase 'Rob will be here from 3am...." - Marie Meyer.

Anyone out there? Yeah, yeah, it's 3am, but that's a good excuse to listen to the KLF while watching the cricket, if nothing else.

Bangladesh have won the toss and will bowl first Shakib Al Hasan reckons there might be some bounce and life in the pitch today before it becomes a complete road. That's a real surprise because I thought Bangladesh's plan would have involved catching England out against spin in the fourth innings. Alastair Cook, England's 79th Test captain, says he would have batted first. Rob Key, in the Sky studio, calls the decision to bowl first "ridiculous".

Team news Stuart Broad has passed a fitness Test, while Steven Finn and Michael Carberry make their debuts; James Tredwell, a little surprisingly, does not. I'm pretty excited about Finn, only 20 years old, and not only because he shares a surname with cinema's greatest 21st-century femme fatale. He is tall (6ft 7ins) and he gets bounce, and you know what tall men who get bounce do to us English cricket fans. They make us hail them as the new Curtly Ambrose, that's what. Finn has leapfrogged Shahzad and Plunkett, who were in the original squad, continuing the proud English tradition of completely ignoring the hierarchy of the original tour party, which goes all the way back to one of the first English tours I remember, the 1990-91 Ashes.

Bangladesh Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Junaid Siddique, Aftab Ahmed, Mahmudullah, Shakib Al Hasan (c), Mushfiqur Rahim (wk), Naeem Islam, Abdur Razzak, Rubel Hossain, Shadahat Hossain.

England Cook (c), Carberry, Trott, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bell, Prior (wk), Broad, Bresnan, Swann, Finn.

Preamble Morning. Hello. Wilkommen. As-Salamu Alalykum. Wotcha. Some things in life should never, ever be sniffed at, whatever the circumstances: a new Coen Brothers film, maintaining eye contact for more than a split-second, and England winning a Test series on the subcontinent. With the exception of the reign of Duncan Fletcher ? whose worthiest achievement, surely, was not to win the 2005 Ashes but to make England competitive in Asia ? England last won a Test match on the subcontinent in 25 years ago, when they also won their last series, coming from behind to beat Mohammad Azharuddin and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan. Serpentine ah... Serpentine grrr... British people in hot weather.

They should beat Bangladesh 2-0 in this two-Test series, but there are bound to be some hairy moments against the home side's phalanx of spinners. Even on their last tour here, in 2003-04, England got in a bit of a pickle for the first four days of the first Test before eventually winning comfortably.

British IT expert held captive for more than two years after Baghdad kidnap laments not trying to escape
Watch the GuardianFilms investigation into how the hostages were taken to Iran

Peter Moore, the British IT expert who spent 31 months in captivity after being kidnapped in Iraq, has revealed how he thought he was about to be killed on the day of his release, spent his ordeal unable to see clearly without his glasses, and played table-tennis with a guard.

Moore said he regretted not trying to escape during the early days of his detention when the captives had the opportunity to kill a guard. The computer consultant from Lincoln said he had had a chance to flee when one of the two men watching over him fell ill.

The 36-year-old told Channel 4 News and the Times how he was seized, with four bodyguards, from a government building in Baghdad in May 2007. He was released in December last year and arrived home on New Year's Day.

Moore said he and his fellow captives were stripped down to their underpants during their capture. Later, his glasses were taken, leaving the short-sighted consultant unable to see clearly until his release.

Moore paid tribute to the other four men seized, saying he was "very grateful" for their help and the medical treatment they gave him after his abduction.

Jason Creswell, Jason Swindlehurst and Alec MacLachlan were shot dead and their bodies returned to Britain last year. Alan McMenemy, the fourth bodyguard, is also believed to be dead.

Moore told Channel 4 News that early in their detention he and Creswell were asked to treat the sick guard.The hostages discussed using a syringe to inject him with air bubbles and attempting to overpower the remaining captor.

"I was concerned it was going to go out of the frying pan into the fire. There were two of them with us but 100 outside. I think we should have done it in hindsight. It was the best chance we had. I think one or two would have been killed and one made it out.

"There was a woman downstairs with a child and we would have had to kill her too."

The men were seized at the end of May 2007, but they were held together only until July. Moore remained with McMenemy, chained side by side in cramped rooms with only a television for comfort until December, he told the Times.

Moore was training finance ministry workers how to spot misspent money when about 100 police in 20 vehicles stormed the building. Initially he believed he was being arrested. It was only when they began removing his clothes during the ride to Sadr City that he realised otherwise.

Moore, who has talked of being subjected to mock executions, said he was beaten on a near-daily basis and once subjected to severe punishment for allegedly breaking a lock.

"They tied my hands behind my back and put a chair next to the door. I was made to stand on the chair with my hands over the door and they pulled the chair out to leave me hanging. They did that four or five times. It was very painful. I was screaming in pain."

Moore said he tried to appeal to his captors' respect for family and religion, so invented a Brazilian wife and pretended to be Catholic. His act seemed to have worked ? his kidnappers gave him a string of Islamic beads to pray with.

In early 2009, a major who spoke English ordered that Moore no longer be kept in chains. The two men watched tennis together on television. One day the major appeared with two table tennis bats and a ball.

"We got quite fast, playing for hours at a time," said Moore. "It was a good laugh." The kidnappers had made clear they wanted a prisoner exchange: the five British hostages for leaders who had been arrested by British forces in Iraq but held by the US military. "I just knew we were in it for the long haul," Moore said.

As his living conditions improved, he began to suspect that the other four hostages were dead. On the morning of 30 December last year, he was woken at 5am and told to get dressed in jeans and black top because he was going to be released. Moore refused to believe them. "I was just like, 'Go away,' and put the blanket over my head."

He was bundled into a car, transferred to a minibus, then to another car and finally driven to a driveway where he was met by a large group of Iraqi men in suits and others in combat gear with machineguns. "I thought, 'S***, I am going to die,'" he told the Times.

But a man stepped forward and introduced himself as Sami al-Askari, an Iraqi MP, and told Moore: "I am from the Iraqi government and you are a free man."

In his television interview, Moore contested Foreign Office claims that his kidnappers, from a Shia organisation, Asaib Ahl al-Haq, or the League of the Righteous, had requested a news blackout and insisted they wanted to publicise their message.

"They felt they complied with everything the British embassy said but still were not getting what they wanted," Moore said.

A Guardian investigation reported that the hostages were taken to Iran within a day of their kidnapping in an operation led and masterminded by the Quds Force, part of Iran's revolutionary guard.

But Moore believed he was held in houses in Basra and the cities of Hilla, Karbala and Baghdad during his captivity, although he conceded the men might have been driven across the border.

Iraqi intelligence sources told the Guardian the British captives were never made aware they had crossed the border and back within 24 hours of being seized.

The Foreign Office has continued to insist there was no evidence that Moore was held in Iran, despite claims by Iraqi intelligence that they told their British counterparts and the Foreign Office that the hostages were taken across the border.

General David Petraeus, the head of US central command, said Moore was "certainly" held in Iran for at least some of his time in captivity, although he told Reuters it was "difficult to say" what role the revolutionary guard played.

? Former chief Dick Fuld and accountants Ernst & Young criticised in 2,200-page report
? Claims that buyer Barclays received assets it was not entitled to
? Fuld tried to involve Gordon Brown to fast-track Barclays rescue

A court-appointed US bankruptcy examiner has concluded that there are grounds for legal claims against top Lehman Brothers bosses and auditor Ernst & Young for signing off misleading accounting statements in the run-up to the collapse of the Wall Street bank in 2008 which sparked the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

A judge last night unsealed a 2,200-page forensic report by expert Anton Valukis into Lehman's collapse which includes scathing criticism of accounting "gimmicks" used by the failing bank to buy itself time. These included a contentious technique known as "repo 105" which temporarily boosted the bank's balance sheet by as much as $50bn (£33bn).

The exhaustive account reveals that Barclays, which bought Lehman's US businesses out of bankruptcy, got certain equipment and assets it was not entitled to. And it reveals that during Lehman's final few hours, chief executive Dick Fuld tried to get Gordon Brown involved to over-rule Britain's Financial Services Authority when it refused to fast-track a rescue by Barclays.

With Wall Street shaken by the demise of Bear Stearns in March 2008, Valukis said confidence in Lehman eroded: "To buy itself more time, to maintain that critical confidence, Lehman painted a misleading picture of its financial condition."

The examiner's report found evidence to support "colorable claims", meaning plausible claims, against Fuld and three successive chief financial officers - Chris O'Meara, Erin Callan and Ian Lowitt.

Valukis said the bank tried to lower its leverage ratio, a key measure for credit rating agencies, through a device dubbed "repo 105" through which it temporarily sold assets, with an obligation to re-purchase them days later, at the end of financial quarters in order to get a temporary influx of cash. Lehman's own financial staff described this as an "accounting gimmick" and a "lazy way" to meet balance sheet targets.

A senior Lehman vice-president, Matthew Lee, tried to blow the whistle by alerting top management and Ernst & Young. But the auditing firm "took virtually no action to investigate".

During the bank's final hours in September 2008, Fuld tried desperately to strike a rescue deal with Barclays but the FSA would not allow the British bank an exemption from seeking time-consuming shareholder approval. The chancellor, Alistair Darling, declined to intervene and Fuld appealed to the US treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, to contact the prime minister.

"Fuld asked Paulson to call prime minister Gordon Brown, but Paulson said he could not do that," says the examiner's report. "Fuld asked Paulson to ask president Bush to call Brown, but Paulson said he was working on other ideas."

In a "brainstorming" session, Fuld then suggested getting the president's brother, Jeb Bush, who was a Lehman adviser, to get the White House to lean on Downing Street.

Barclays eventually bought the remnants of Lehman's Wall Street operation from receivership for $1.75bn - a sum that has enraged certain bankruptcy creditors who believe it was a windfall for the British bank.

The examiner's report finds grounds for claims against Barclays for taking assets it was not entitled to, including office equipment and client records belonging to a Lehman affiliate, although it says these were not of material value to the deal - the equipment was worth less than $10m.

A lawyer for Fuld last night rejected the examiner's findings. Patricia Hynes of Allen & Overy said Fuld did not structure or negotiate the repo 105 transactions, nor was he aware of their accounting treatment. She added that Fuld "throughout his career faithfully and diligently worked in the interests of Lehman and its stakeholders".

A spokesman for Ernst & Young, which is headquartered in London, told Reuters the firm had no immediate comment because it was yet to review the findings.

Television network denies claims that Until Nothing Remains depicts group as totalitarian and unethical

Germany's state broadcaster is locked in a row with the Church of Scientology which wants to block an upcoming feature film that depicts the controversial organisation as totalitarian and unethical.

Bis Nichts Mehr Bleibt, or Until Nothing Remains, dramatises the account of a German family torn apart by its associations with Scientology. A young married couple joins the organisation but as the wife gets sucked ever more deeply into the group, her husband, who has donated much of his money to it, decides to leave. In the process he loses contact with his young daughter who, like his wife, is being educated by Scientology instructors.

Scientology leaders have accused Germany's primary public TV network, ARD, of creating in top secret a piece of propaganda that sets out to undermine the group, and have demanded to see it before it is broadcast.

The 90-minute film reflects an unease in Germany about the organisation, which boasts several thousand members across the country and has its headquarters in central Berlin. The church is considered anti-constitutional by its critics.

Tension reached its peak during the making of Valkyrie, the 2008 film about the plot to assassinate Hitler, when opponents said Scientology leaders had engineered the placing of Tom Cruise, its most prominent member, in the role as Nazi resistance fighter Claus von Stauffenberg, in order to win German supporters. The organisation dismissed the claim.

The filming of Valkyrie sparked numerous clashes between the filmmakers and the government, which initially prevented them from filming on several historical sites, including the Bendler Block where Stauffenberg was hanged, due in part to Cruise's association with Scientology. The ban was eventually lifted.

According to the makers of Until Nothing Remains, the ?2.5m (£2.3 m) drama, which is due to air in a prime-time slot at the end of March, is based on the true story of Heiner von Rönns, who left Scientology and suffered the subsequent break-up of his family.

Scientology officials have said the film is false and intolerant. At a preview screening in Hamburg members distributed flyers in which the filmmakers were accused of seeking to "create a mood of intolerance and discrimination against a religious community".

Jürg Stettler, a spokesman for Scientology in Germany said: "The truth is precisely the opposite of that which the ARD is showing." The organisation is investigating legal means to prevent the programme from being broadcast.

Stettler said the organisation was planning its own film to "spread our own side of the story".

ARD's programme director Volker Herres has dismissed the accusations, saying the aim of the drama is to reveal the truth about the organisation.

"We're not dealing here with a religion, rather with an organisation that has completely different motives," he said. "Scientology is about power, business, and building up a network. Its lessons are pure science fiction, it's no religion, no church, no sect."

The film team said it had been "bombarded" with phone calls and emails from the organisation during production. The head of the Southwest German broadcasting organisation, Carl Bergengruen who was involved in the project, said Scientology had "tried via various means to discover details about the film" and that the film crew was even tailed by a Scientology representative.

"We are fearful that the organisation will try to use all legal means to try to stop the film being shown," he said.

Unite expected to announce British Airways strike over cabin crew staff cuts

? How would the strike affect you?

The Unite trade union is set to announce strike dates by British Airways (BA) cabin crew this morning, with a walkout possible as soon as next Friday.

Unite is expected to give an update on stalled negotiations at a press conference at 11am. It is also likely to announce a second front in the BA dispute by warning the airline that it must withdraw proposed changes to working conditions for baggage handlers or face an immediate consultative ballot.

Following an 81% vote in favour of strike action by Unite-affiliated cabin crew, the union must stage a walkout by 22 March and has to provide BA with seven days' notice. Because Unite has already ruled out striking over the Easter holidays, next weekend is now looming as a likely strike date. Officials from Unite and its cabin crew branch, Bassa, debated strike lengths and dates in a long meeting yesterday.

A walkout by nearly 12,000 cabin crew is likely to bring widespread disruption to BA's 650 daily services. However, the airline has pledged to break the strike with 1,000 volunteer flight attendants drawn from the ranks of its non-cabin crew workforce, and is preparing to hire 23 airplanes, complete with their own trained crew.

The BA chief executive, Willie Walsh, said he hoped to operate a substantial proportion of the airline's Heathrow airport long-haul operations and a good number of short-haul flights.

BA has said it will operate its entire schedule from London City airport during the expected strike and has claimed more than two-thirds of its Gatwick-based crews will work normally.

Informal channels of communication are still open between BA and Unite via the general secretary of the Trades Union Congress (TUC), Brendan Barber. However, sources close to the talks said there had been little movement over the past 24 hours.

It is understood that BA is willing to partially repeal the staffing cuts at the heart of the dispute and is considering putting around 184 cabin crew positions back on its 239-plane fleet. However, Unite wants 700 positions returned to BA aircraft and has proposed around £60m worth of cost savings to fund the proposal. BA has disputed those figures, saying they are significantly short of its cost-cutting target.

Unite is also threatening to hold a consultative ballot over proposed changes to baggage handlers' contracts. If union members vote against BA's proposals an industrial action ballot will be held, although that move is several weeks away.

Unite argues that it has been bypassed by BA, despite holding talks about the baggage handler contracts.

Steve Turner, the Unite national officer for civil aviation, said: "It is hugely concerning that BA feel that management by imposition is their preferred approach. Very soon, no worker at the airline will feel that either their job or their terms and conditions are safe. This instability cannot be healthy for the airline."

A BA spokesman said: "We are consulting with our ground-handling staff at Heathrow about potential changes to improve the way in which we work. Any talk of a ballot for industrial action is speculative and premature."

Special rapporteur on human rights details 'pattern of gross abuses' as junta unveils restrictive electoral laws

A senior UN official has called for Burma's military rulers to be investigated over allegations of crimes against humanity and war crimes perpetrated against Burmese civilians, in a move that will sharply increase pressure on the isolated regime ahead of controversial national elections due later this year.

In a draft report to the UN Human Rights Council [pdf] in Geneva, Tomás Ojea Quintana, special rapporteur on human rights in Burma, described "a pattern of gross and systematic violation of human rights" which he said has been in place for many years and still continued.

"There is an indication that those human rights violations are the result of a state policy that involves authorities in the executive, military and judiciary at all levels," he said.

The draft, published on the council's website, goes on: "The possibility exists that some of these [violations] may entail categories of crimes against humanity, or war crimes, under the terms of the statute of the international criminal court."

In this context, Quintana said the UN security council should consider setting up a "commission of inquiry with a specific, fact-finding mandate to address the question of international crimes".

The unusually tough assessment came as the junta today published a tranche of new electoral laws that restrict the ability of opposition parties to participate in the coming elections.

The special rapporteur said national elections, expected in October, provided an opportunity for positive change, but he was pessimistic that the junta would allow the chance to be seized.

"During his last mission [in February], the special rapporteur received no indication that all prisoners of conscience will be released, that freedom of opinion and association will be guaranteed in the context of these elections, and that ethnic communities will be able to fully participate," the report said.

The pressure group Burma Campaign UK today welcomed what it said was an unprecedented UN intervention, calling it a "major step forward" that would increase pressure on the US, British and regional governments to take a tougher line with the generals.

The US and EU have imposed limited sanctions on the regime. But since taking office last year, Barack Obama has pursued a policy of diplomatic engagement, holding several senior-level meetings. In a break with the past, Obama met General Thein Sein, the Burmese prime minister, at a regional summit in Singapore in November.

Analysts say Burma's military ties to North Korea are a major concern for Washington. It fears the generals may follow Pyongyang in developing nuclear weapons. The possibility of war crimes proceedings against members of the junta may complicate US efforts at dialogue, which are already under hostile fire in the US Congress.

Pressure to set up an international commission of inquiry into Burma has previously come from NGOs and activists involved in the country, and from Archbishop Desmond Tutu. In Britain, more than 170 MPs have signed a parliamentary motion calling on the British government to support an inquiry.

Burma's main opposition party, the National League for Democracy (NLD) led by the jailed Nobel peace prizewinner Aung San Suu Kyi, has repeatedly drawn attention to widespread, ongoing human rights abuses, including the jailing of 2,000 political prisoners. It also says the planned elections will not be free or fair.

The junta's unveiling of new restrictive electoral laws today has strengthened the impression that the polls will be closely controlled and designed to lend the regime a veneer of democratic respectability.

The new rules effectively prevent Aung San Suu Kyi and her jailed supporters from standing for election. They establish a government-controlled election oversight body with the power to prevent or annul voting in any part of the country for "security reasons". The junta has also formally declared the 1990 elections, which the NLD won in a landslide, to be invalid.

"Instead of passing laws that strip away more of their rights, the Myanmar [Burmese] authorities should immediately release all political prisoners," Amnesty International said. It said it was concerned that "activists are going to come under increased repression in the lead-up to the elections".

By allowing the NLD to reopen 100 regional offices closed since 2003, the regime appears to be hoping that, despite the restrictions, a decapitated opposition will participate in the poll, boosting the junta's credibility. This has created a dilemma for those NLD leaders who are not in jail. "I think they want us to take part in the election, but we still haven't made up our minds about this," said spokesman, Nyan Win.

He described new electoral provisions, such as a requirement that parties uphold the generals' gerrymandered 2008 constitution, as "completely unacceptable".

Tin Oo, the NLD deputy chairman, said the junta was trying to split the opposition. "They have been trying to decimate the party and now they are doing it with utmost force. But the NLD will never collapse."

18-year-old held on suspicion of manslaughter as neighbours allege decade of harassment by youths

Police were last night forced to defend the level of protection they had given a man with learning difficulties who collapsed and died at his home, allegedly after years of "baiting" by local youths.

A senior officer in the Manchester force insisted that offers had tried to help David Askew, and had been in daily contact with him and his family.

Neighbours described how the abuse directed at Askew, 64, from Hattersley, Greater Manchester, had worsened in recent weeks. They claimed he had been "tormented to death ? like bear baiting" at his home. They said he was called names by children as young as eight who threw eggs and bricks at his house, kicked the door, and took his money and cigarettes.

A woman who has lived nearby for 39 years wept as she explained how the local gang would come and bait her neighbour: "He was a harmless soul".

It is thought Askew became extremely agitated when two youths broke down a gate and entered his garden on Wednesday evening. Police were called at 9.40pm after the youths tampered with his 98-year-old mother's mobility scooter and a bin.

Officers arrived within nine minutes but discovered Askew collapsed in the garden. He was pronounced dead by ambulance workers. Police say there is no evidence that he was physically assaulted. A postmortem examination is being held.

Askew lived with his mother, Rose, and younger brother Brian. He had been subjected to verbal taunts over a number of years, and officers had previously hidden in his house in an attempt to witness the youths targeting him, but were unsuccessful.

CCTV cameras and a security light are mounted at the rear of the terrace.

Last night an 18-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of manslaughter, Greater Manchester police said.

Earlier, Rose paid tribute to her son, saying he "wouldn't hurt a fly". She said: "He was a true gentleman and would often help me around the house and with shopping. He wouldn't hurt a fly and he never saw bad in anyone. He always put others first."

Askew's neighbour, Avona Davies, 49, said the harassment had been going on for about 10 years. She said that they stopped complaining 12 months ago "because nothing gets done".

"They tormented David for money and cigarettes. They harassed him every night without fail," she said. "They would torment him all the time. Sometimes it would be two of them, other times it would be six kids or a big gang. David would throw money and cigarettes into our garden to get rid of them, but they would always go back." Windows had been repeatedly smashed.

Dean Darkson, 19, said that Askew had been banned from a nearby shop and bookmakers, "because he always had kids following him". He said the kids "bullied him relentlessly" and took his money.

Donna Parsons, 34, claimed the family did not receive the help they needed. "I asked Rose if they would move, because it was so bad, and Rose said: 'I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of moving'."

Chief Superintendent Zoe Hamilton said Askew was not physically attacked and also said police had been "in daily contact"; officers were very upset about his death. "I would like to make clear we don't believe David's death was the result of a physical attack and we would urge anyone who knows what happened and who was involved, to come forward, please," she said.

Local youths, some of whom have Asbos for harassing Askew, had launched a "particular spate" of recent attacks because of his disability. "It's a sad fact that if people are different in a community, sometimes they end up being targeted," added Hamilton.

The case has echoes of the death of Fiona Pilkington, 38, who set her car alight with herself and her 18-year-old disabled daughter inside after years of abuse.

A report by Their bodies were found in the family's car just off the A47 near Earl Shilton, Leicestershire, in October 2007.

An inquest into her death heard Leicester Police logged 33 complaints from Pilkington about a gang between 2000 and 2007, including 13 in the 10 months before her death.

HM Inspectorate of Constabulary criticised police in England and Wales for failing to deal with anti-social behaviour.

Greater Manchester was found to be among the three worst performing forces in the country. But Hamilton said the level of personal involvement her staff and housing officers had with the family "cannot be stressed enough".

New Zealand protester could face up to three years in jail for illegally boarding vessel during Antarctic hunt

The Japanese coastguard has arrested an activist from New Zealand for illegally boarding a whaling ship last month.

Peter Bethune, a member of the US-based group Sea Shepherd, is accused of jumping aboard the vessel from a jetski in the Southern Ocean, where Japan was conducting its annual whale hunt.

Boarding a Japanese vessel without legitimate reasons can bring a prison term of up to three years or a fine up to 100,000 yen (£730).

Sea Shepherd said Bethune boarded the Shonan Maru 2 to make a citizen's arrest of its captain and deliver a $3m (£1.98m) bill for the destruction of a hi-tech protest ship Bethune captained, the Ady Gil, which sank in January after colliding with the whaling ship. Instead the Shonan Maru 2, which was providing security for the whaling fleet, set sail on a three-week voyage back to Japan with the activist on board.

Dozens of camera crews waited on the quayside for the ship's arrival today in Tokyo bay, where about 10 rightwing demonstrators were holding placards branding Bethune an "ecoterrorist".

The fisheries minister, Hirotaka Akamatsu, said: "Anyone who has done wrong will have to face severe punishment in accordance with the law."

Bethune is due to meet a lawyer and a New Zealand diplomat later today. The New Zealand foreign affairs minister, Murray McCully, said Bethune would receive consular assistance.

The boarding was the latest incident in Sea Shepherd's campaign to disrupt Japanese whaling activities. The activists follow whaling boats and interrupt the hunt by dangling ropes in the water to snarl the ships' propellers and throwing packets of rancid butter on the boats' decks.

Whalers have responded by firing water cannons at activists.

Japan's annual whale hunt is allowed by the International Whaling Commission as a scientific programme, but opponents claim it is a cover for commercial whaling, which has been banned since 1986.

The Sea Shepherd leader, Paul Watson, told the Japanese public broadcaster NHK last week that Bethune knew what he was doing when he boarded the whaling vessel to confront its captain.

"It was deliberate. We are going to expose the illegality of the Japanese whaling operation at every opportunity," he said.

Officials have two days to interrogate Bethune before handing him over to prosecutors, who will decide whether to press formal charges against him, said the national coastguard spokesman, Masahiro Ichijo. He said authorities were considering additional charges, including assault and destruction of property.

Whale meat isn't widely eaten in Japan, but is available in some restaurants and stores.

TV coverage restricted to single highlights show, with possible extras on red button, due to 'budget restrictions and time zone'

The BBC has been criticised for scheduling just one hour of TV highlights of the Vancouver Winter Paralympics, despite dedicating 160 broadcast hours to the Winter Olympics on BBC2.

Lewis Wiltshire, the editor of the BBC Sport website, said TV coverage was restricted because of "budget restrictions and the time zone factor".

The Winter Paralympics, which start today in Vancouver and run until 21 March, follow the BBC's extensive coverage of the Winter Olympics which ran for 17 days from 12 to 28 February. The BBC published a detailed press release highlighting what it called its "most comprehensive coverage in Winter Olympic history".

However, in a blogpost, Wiltshire was taken to task about the lack of TV coverage of the Paralympics.

"There are provisional plans in place to stream the curling live through the BBC Sport website and BBC Red Button if the GB team make the medal rounds and we will also be broadcasting a one-hour highlights programme on Monday 22 March on BBC2," he said. "We will not be broadcasting any other live coverage due to budget restrictions and the time zone factor."

Wiltshire added that while there would be coverage via daily news reports and the BBC sport website from "reporters and crew based in Vancouver and Whistler". If viewers wanted to catch the action they should go online to Paralympics TV, "with whom we have a very close relationship", and which would stream the most live coverage.

One disgruntled post, from mingus_101, responded: "Shame on you BBC, you can send a big crew for the main event and can find the money for that. Time delay doesn't stop the Able bodied Winter Olympics being shown. I say again, Shame on you BBC, putting nine days of competition into a one hour highlights programme."

Mingus_101 added that one option, given the BBC's own claim of a "close relationship" with Paralympics TV, was to take the feed from the organisation and provide London-based commentators.

The BBC's coverage of the Beijing Paralympic games in 2008 attracted a record number of viewers for a Paralympic games. The BBC says the last 15 minutes of the television coverage in 2008 was watched by 13.2 million, 23% of the population. This compares with 10.8m for the Paralympics in Athens and 12.9m for the Sydney games.

Ratings figures were boosted by the popularity of the main Olympics, reflected in the the 2.7 million who watched the opening ceremony, the success of British athletes and the athletes' stories.

In January Channel 4 surprisingly swooped on the TV rights to the London 2012 Paralympics, seeing off the BBC bid with a pledge to air about 130 hours on its main network.

? To contact the MediaGuardian news desk email editor@mediaguardian.co.uk or phone 020 3353 3857. For all other inquiries please call the main Guardian switchboard on 020 3353 2000.

? If you are writing a comment for publication, please mark clearly "for publication".

The transport secretary, Lord Adonis, has published £30bn plans for a 250mph rail link between London and Birmingham. The proposals, which would revolutionise Britain's rail network, are subject to parliamentary approval and public consultation. Work is not due to begin on the route until 2017, with the first stage expected to take 10 years to complete. After that, the government intends to extend the high-speed track to northern England and Scotland.

Peter Walker hears the views of the people of Wendover in the Chilterns, an area of outstanding natural beauty that the new rail route would pass through.

The transport historian Christian Wolmar says the key question is whether the high-speed rail plans would increase capacity on Britain's railways.

The Guardian columnist Julian Glover says the plan will bring economic benefits to the whole country, while the Liberal Democrat transport spokesman, Norman Baker, believes the consultation process will allow members of the public to be heard, and for their views to be given due consideration.

Eyes down and sponge cakes at the ready as James leafs through the backpages to bring you the European football news

Thousands gather in Athens to protest against the government's planned cuts imposed to alleviate the country's debt crisis

A selection of the best images from around the world

This week's podcast meets The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo AKA Swedish actor Noomi Rapace, talks LA and Tolstoy with Danny Huston, and reviews Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island and Paul Greengrass's Green Zone.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Swedish author Stieg Larsson's literary sensation about a crack computer hacker who teams up with a disgraced journalist to solve a 40-year-old murder, has sold over 1m books in the UK alone. Now the film is set to make a star of Noomi Rapace, who plays its sultry, charismatic title character. The actor tells Jason Solomons about transforming herself physically for the role (Thai boxing came in handy) and discusses the new wave of Swedish films breaking out in the wake of Let the Right One In.

Xan Brooks then joins in to run the rule over the week's big releases: the pacy-despite-its-length Girl With the Dragon Tattoo; Scorsese's overheated Hitchcockian pastiche Shutter Island; and Paul Greengrass's Green Zone, which stars Matt Damon on the hunt for WMDs in the aftermath of the Iraq war.

And finally, actor Danny Huston is on the line from Los Angeles to talk about The Kreutzer Sonata, his latest low-budget film with Ivansxtc director Bernard Rose and based on a novella by Tolstoy. The actor, son of John and brother of Anjelica Huston, shares why the novella works so well transposed to modern-day LA and how his legendary father would have really enjoyed low-budget digital film-making.

The chef expounds on the very real passions aroused by good chocolate and what goes into it

There are exactly eight weeks to go before 6 May ? the probable date of the general election. As polling day approaches, hardy perennial issues such as the economy, crime and education will get plenty of attention. But what of the issues we won't be hearing about?

Michael White explores the topics that candidates will be sidestepping on the doorsteps.

Meanwhile in the studio Seumas Milne, Polly Toynbee and Deborah Orr provide their own examples.

Leave yours in the comment section below.

Also on this week's show we hear from Conservative frontbencher David Willetts. He appeared at an event at Guardian HQ this week to argue that a breakdown in trust between the generations has helped to bring about what his party calls a "broken society".

Why has the phrase resonated above all others for the Tories ? and is it backed up by evidence? Polly Toynbee, who took part in the debate, disputes the premise of the Tory argument.

Next week Politics Weekly will be recorded live at Manchester University. For details of how you can get tickets for the event on Tuesday 16 March click here.

From Pippi Longstocking to Huck Finn, some of the naughtiest and most fun characters

An Oscar-nominated documentary uses the Berlin Wall rabbit population as a metaphor for the city's shellshocked people, writes Geoffrey Macnab

The cold war has been examined from many different perspectives. Only now, though, are we getting the rabbit's point of view on the division of Europe in the postwar years. Bartek Konopka's Oscar-nominated documentary Rabbit à la Berlin tells the largely ignored story of the thousands of wild rabbits who thrived in the so-called death zone of the Berlin Wall ? the strip of no man's land on the eastern side of the wall.

The dismantling of the Berlin Wall in 1989/90 may have been a source of great joy for some, but Konopka's film shows its catastrophic effect on the bunny population. "For the rabbits, it was like an exodus. It was very dramatic and terrifying for those animals," the 37-year-old Polish director says. "In the fate of those rabbits, there was some kind of prediction: a bad weather forecast for people."

The rabbits, Konopka says, were "fragile and sensitive" creatures. When they found Berliners trampling all over no man's land, they tried to run away ? but weren't always up to it. "For them, it was such a stress. They'd go through one street, look for the nearest bush and stay there. But they were so frightened that they stayed there for many days and died from hunger. It was such a stress that they wouldn't think about what to eat. They'd just stand in one position and die."

Rabbit à la Berlin isn't exactly a natural history documentary. It is intended more as an allegorical study of a totalitarian system. The rabbits are used as a device to burrow into recent east European social history. Just as the rabbits were expelled from their makeshift Eden when the Berlin wall came down, many in the Soviet bloc had to adjust to the strange new post-communist world.

"For people living for 40 or 50 years in the communist system, they had a kind of security. Then they lost it and had to start a new life ? our aim was not to judge those people," Konopka says.

Celebrated Polish auteur Andrzej Wajda wrote a letter of recommendation for the film-makers when they were raising finance, and also came to an early screening of the completed project. "After the screening, he said something very interesting. He liked the film and he never expected that the rabbits would be such great actors," Konopka says. With their twitching noses and expressive eyes, the rabbits are indeed screen naturals.

But in truth, the descendants of the Berlin Wall rabbits aren't exactly thriving. Some of the most poignant footage in the film shows them in the city today, desperately trying to cross busy roads and looking quite overwhelmed by the sheer noise and chaos of a big city. Konopka explains that the rabbits now living in the western part of the city were small, evasive and very hard to film, "bitten by dogs, scratched by cats ? [a] shadow of the great civilisation from the wall."

When the wall came down, almost all the rabbits migrated west. "It's so funny that nature went the way that people did." Nowadays, there are around 10 colonies of wild rabbits in west Berlin and only one in east Berlin.

"Somehow, they realised, those rabbits, that they will have more peace and better conditions on the western side. That's why they moved there." The director compares them to the east Berliners who headed west, drawn by the dream of luxury and plenty. Many others, though, stayed behind. "There were many people who didn't like to cross and who were afraid because they realised the west might be too shocking for them."

Is Konopka a rabbit-lover? The question provokes a rambling answer about the plight of Poles working in the west. "We always felt ourselves like citizens of the third world. It's in your head. This wall stays in your head. Especially in Germany, you are connected with all those Poles who work illegally and commit crimes ? so somehow we identified with those rabbits."

Rabbit à la Berlin screens on 23 March as part of the 8th Polish film festival Kinoteka. Details: www.kinoteka.org.uk

? Fan ejected from club TV show for wearing scarf
? Steward sacked for returning confiscated banner

Manchester United are so concerned about the increasing success of the green-and-gold protests that the club have effectively forbidden Sir Alex Ferguson's players from speaking about it publicly and imposed a series of other measures aimed at counteracting the kind of publicity generated by David Beckham's endorsement of the campaign.

Beckham's parting statement after United's 4-0 defeat of Milan on Wednesday, leaving the pitch with a protest scarf around his neck, is being described as "an iconic moment" by the Manchester United Supporters' Trust (Must), and senior figures at Old Trafford are worried about the significance of the most famous sportsman on the planet attaching himself to a movement aimed at deposing the ruling Glazer family.

In response the club have already:

? Banned players from discussing the campaign in the media.

? Forbidden the in-house TV station, MUTV, from referring to the rebellion and edited questions about it from broadcasts of Ferguson's press conferences.

? Ejected a supporter from the audience of an MUTV show after he refused to remove a green-and-gold scarf.

? Sacked a steward after 19 years' service for attempting to return a confiscated anti-Glazer banner to its owners.

The club has reluctantly accepted the protests will continue for as long as the Glazers are in power. David Gill, the chief executive, predicted yesterday that would be "many more" than five years.

While Beckham's latest fashion statement has been shown around the world, attracting headlines from the Boston Herald to the Times of India, MUTV has chosen to ignore what happened. Similarly Ferguson's remarks about the protests in recent weeks have been edited out when the rest of his press conferences have been aired in full. One supporter was ejected from the audience of the MUTV show, Red Cafe, when he refused to remove his green and gold scarf, security staff telling him that the colours were not allowed inside the studio, and a steward was dismissed by CES, the security firm employed by United, after attempting to return a confiscated anti-Glazer banner during the home game against Burnley.

The initial hope inside the Old Trafford boardroom was that the protests would eventually fade out but the club's attempts to quell the uprising have been unsuccessful. Protests were so widespread during the Milan game that CES had to abandon its usual policy of trying to remove the many banners criticising the Glazers and Gill.

Avram Glazer was at the game, smuggled into the stadium in a car with blacked-out windows and shadowed by a personal bodyguard, and United employees noted how calm and unmoved he seemed.

"Everyone has the right to protest and there was certainly a lot of green and gold there," Gill said at the announcement of a five-year sponsorship deal with Telekom Malaysia. "But this partnership demonstrates the strength of the club. We will be around for the length of this five-year deal and many more in addition to that."

Beckham produced the perfect publicity coup for Must and an organisation whose membership has now passed 130,000 has also been buoyed by the appointment of the Japanese investment bank Nomura to advise the alliance of wealthy United followers who are planning a takeover bid. Nomura will "coordinate and formulate the proposal to be put to the Glazer family" and Must's spokesman, Duncan Drasdo, described the appointment as "hugely significant because it will start to crystallise the offer. We've seen a lot of interest from the so-called Red Knights and Nomura's job will be to organise it."

In the meantime Must has written an open letter asking for other "United legends" to follow Beckham's lead and attach themselves to the cause. "David courageously showed his true colours," the letter says. "The movement for change is becoming unstoppable and we know that David is not alone. From Eric Cantona to Andrew Cole, former players are making their feelings known."

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, the club's reserve coach, is a patron of the organisation and has spoken out against the Glazers in the past but the only current player to sympathise has been Patrice Evra, in response to a French journalist who asked why the United end at Wembley was decked out in green and gold. "They are the original colours of Manchester United [as Newton Heath] and the fans wear them because they love this club," Evra said. "They have their reasons for doing it and we don't think that they're crazy."

Otherwise the players have been warned to say nothing. The captain, Gary Neville, was twice asked after Wednesday's match and kept to the party line, saying only: "I'm not getting involved in that."

Lille are known as the Mastiffs and an unnerved Liverpool retreated from their lair nursing a nasty bite. No matter that Eden Hazard's late, wickedly dipping thoroughly elusive, free-kick appeared flukey; it gave Rudi Garcia's team a deserved first-leg lead.

Rafael Benítez's edgy side, unable to score a potentially vital away goal, were too often wrong-footed by the impressive Hazard ? Lille's best player had issued plenty of prior warnings ? and his technically accomplished colleagues.

A one-goal deficit is far from insurmountable but, even so, Liverpool have much to do if they are to overcome it at Anfield next week and sustain their sole remaining pursuit of silverware by progressing to the quarter-finals.

Benítez, though, was almost Steve McClaren-esque in his desire to accentuate the positives at the end of a week which began with a defeat at Wigan. "It was an improvement on the last game," said the Spaniard, who saw Ryan Babel miss an inviting first-half chance and Fernando Torres denied a headed goal by a fine save. "We were pleased with the effort of the players.The reaction of the team was really good and now we have to be positive in the second leg. There were a lot of positives, you could see Fernando Torres's pace coming back. I'm confident we can beat anyone on a good day."

Despite a fussy referee and a patchy surface Benítez was not in the mood to moan. "The pitch was difficult and the referee gave too many fouls," he added. "But we were strong, the attitude of the players was fantastic. We did not let the fans down."

It took only 40 seconds for Lille to test Pepe Reina's reflexes and, although Yohan Cabaye's shot prompted a fairly routine save on the goalkeeper's part, the build- up had left Liverpool's defence looking as unsteady as men on a trampoline.

Benítez's players took some time to fathom Lille's fluid 4-3-3 formation. Whereas Garcia's side all looked comfortable rotating positions and retaining possession, Liverpool seemed stiff and rigidly organised by comparison.

Such discipline is all very well but it appeared to be stifling the side's creative impulses with their overall lack of imagination emphasised when a counter-attacking Babel ran blindly into the path of the Lille midfielder Rio Mavuba.

Liverpool have generally been strong on the break but with Steven Gerrard ? who missed a decent stoppage-time chance here ? having the sort of evening when almost everything he attempted did not work, Lille were not over-stretched.

Admittedly it took a decent tackle from the impressive Adil Rami to prevent Babel from shooting after being put through by a clever Torres pass but, bar the odd Glen Johnson overlap and a Babel shot repelled by Mickael Landreau's legs, Liverpool were muted in attack.

Instead they were more concerned with containing Cabaye's elusive darts across midfield as Hazard's crosses served to warn Benítez's side that winning the Europa League could be complicated. Indeed, Liverpool must have given thanks that Gervinho, Lille's much admired young Ivory Coast striker, was injured.

Formidable on their own patch, Lille ? conquerors of Fenerbahce in the previous round ? remained suitably confident but still had to survive a scare when Landreau acrobatically saved a menacing header from Torres from six yards out after the Lille defence had failed to clear a curled-in Gerrard free-kick.

Yet Liverpool could not sustain such attacking momentum. Instead, on a night when northern France felt cold enough for snow, Hazard slalomed his way through Liverpool's defence before letting Reina off with the softest of left-footed shots.

If Torres's movement and holding up of the ball was troubling Lille, Gerrard continued to struggle and Reina looked relieved when Pierre-Alain Frau's ferocious long-range second-half shot bounced out of his hands and away for a corner.

By now Liverpool were increasingly gathering behind the ball and had reverted to a 4-5-1 formation. Yet, as so often in the past, dropping deep rebounded on them and they fell behind to Hazard's 85th- minute free-kick, which missed everyone and bounced deviously before flying into the top corner as a transfixed Reina stayed rooted to his line.

It could have been worse had Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang's shot not been deflected on to a post. Liverpool retain hope of second-leg redemption.

Amref works with farmers' groups to investigate how to protect crops from drought and prevent soil erosion

As rains begin to fall heavily in Katine sub-county, farmers are equally busy opening up their gardens for the first season planting.

Nearly everyone can now be seen working on their garden, desperately hoping there will not be a repeat of last year, when a serious drought in the region wiped out harvests and left many people facing serious food shortages. In some parts of the Teso region, where Katine sits, people died of starvation.

The drought undid some of the efforts carried out by the African Medical and Research Foundation (Amref), which is implementing the now four-year development project in Katine, to support farmers. Some farmers had been given seeds through the project, but the crops they produced were destroyed. The drought-resistant variety of cassava planted by some of Katine's farmers was successfully harvested. At the end of last year, farmers had managed to harvest sorghum.

However, according to Amref, it was not just the drought that had an impact on harvests; the fertility of the soil was an issue and efforts are now being directed to find solutions to the problem.

Amref, under its livelihoods component, has set up demonstration plots in Olochoi village to work with farmers to test different techniques to help farmers understand the reasons for poor productivity.

With the help of new farming technologies, farmers are being helped to compare yields resulting from traditional and modern techniques. Farm-Africa, which is giving Amref technical support in livelihoods, hired a local consultant, Joshua Zake, to train the leaders of the 66 farmer groups so they can share information with their group members, who, in turn, can teach others. Leaders will document lessons learned from the demonstration plots, which can then be shared among the groups.

Soil and water conservation practices, use of manure, fertilizer and intercropping are some of the techniques being studied.

Soil and water conservation practices include digging water channels to reduce the force of running water that can wash away the top soil, causing erosion. This technique also helps conserve water in the garden that can then be used to help crops survive longer during times of drought.

The intercropping of legumes and cereals is meant to help maintain levels of soil fertility. Legumes, like groundnuts and beans, add nitrogen to the soil, while cereals, like maize, rice and sorghum, protects the soil from direct exposure to rain.

"The purpose is to ensure soil conservation and improve farmers' yields," said Amref's project assistant for livelihoods, David Ogwang. "Our worry is the repeat of extreme drought like last year. In such circumstances, even these techniques cannot help."

Although the use of fertilizer helps a farmer realise higher yields, the project is encouraging farmers to use manure instead to avoid future damage to the soil.

However all techniques are being examined to help farmers determine what is best for them.

Only lack of ability, inheritance and money keeps the rest of us off the Forbes list of world's billionaires. It's not fair

There's a scene in the satire How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying in which two workers are vying for promotion. When their manager tells them he will award the promotion on the basis of merit, one of the workers ? who is the chief executive's nephew ? complains: "That's not fair!"

Similarly, looking at the latest Forbes list of the world's billionaires, it's just not fair that rich lists should be confined to only those with the most assets. What about the rest of us?

Looking at this so-called "list" of billionaires, there's a strong theme in that all of them appear to be very rich indeed. But what else sets them apart? And how did they get to be so rich? More importantly, how can the non-billionaires among us get some of that action?

1. Invent something

Inventing things seems to be an aid to acquiring shedloads of cash. Hence, Bill Gates, who invented the computer with Al Gore and Alan Turing, is second on the list. Also, Warren Buffett, who invented the buffet style of dining, is number three.

Then down at number 11 is Ingvar Kamprad, who invented flat-pack furniture, a simple idea of selling sawdust-planks encased in cardboard. Just buy enough of those "packs" and stack them on a floor and you have a bench. Put a mattress on top and voila: a dining table. Kamprad's genius was to sell these planks with random assortments of screws and brackets, along with keys belonging to a guy named Alan and "instructions" ? or to use the Swedish term, "Rappakalja Ikea dumheter" ? that show a man smiling with a screwdriver and then a line drawing of the finished product without any intervening steps. He gave them exotic names such as SKRÄP and GOJA ... and the rest is history. Also, excellent meatballs.

2. Come from a rich family

Coming from a rich family appears to be a useful encouragement to becoming rich yourself. Extraordinary. Maybe all that money rubs off on you? Yes, nothing helps like being able to say: "Hey mom, pop, can I borrow the car? And $500m?"

That doesn't mean that some of the wealthy families on the rich list didn't start from humble beginnings. Look at the list's entries for billionaires 12, 15, 16 and 18: the Walton family. Many readers will recall how the Waltons struggled during the Depression and the saw-mill business that Paw and Grandpaw worked so hard on to make ends meet. Well, the family turned that reality TV show into mega-bucks thanks to founding a chain of cut-price mega-stores known as Wal-Mart. (One question: why doesn't John-Boy appear on the list? He always seemed like the clever one.)

3. Be American

There's been some concern among American bloggers that the US has lost its No 1 billionaire spot, now that Carlos Slim, the legitimate Mexican businessman, is top of the Forbes list for 2010. Many of them blame Barack Obama's socialist regime of crippling public healthcare for this. And yet, being American still seems to be a big help nonetheless, based on the fact that Americans make up the single largest billionaire nationality: 400 of the roughly 900 billionaires in the world (measured in US dollars, naturally). Also, Carlos Slim, being from Mexico, is North American (true fact) and that's practically the same as the US, and anyway President Clinton signed that secret treaty known as Nafta which merged the US, Canada and Mexico into one country. USA, still number one!

So here's our recipe for billionaire success: get born into a rich family, invent something and sell it to Americans. Win.

The closure of almost half of Kansas City's schools shows what can happen when the wealthy opt out, and services suffer

Twenty-nine out of 61 Kansas City, Missouri, schools will soon be shuttered in a desperate bid by the struggling school district to stave off bankruptcy. At the same time, close to one-quarter of the city's school employees will lose their jobs.

While many districts around the country are closing under-enrolled-in or low-performing schools in an effort to save money, the scale of KC's decision puts it in a league of its own. Students around the city will be disrupted by the changes, as they lose teachers, have to travel further to school each morning, and possibly see their class sizes grow.

The number of students in Kansas City's public schools ? 18,000 ? would indicate that it is a small town. But there's not much that's small about Kansas City. In fact, the core of the city, which is Missouri's largest urban hub, has nearly half a million residents, and the broader metro area is home to approximately 2 million people.

Yet for decades its public schools have been in crisis and have haemorrhaged students.

For 26 years, Kansas City was under the largest court-ordered desegregation plan in American education history. At first this provided an opportunity to improve the system, injecting $2bn into local schools. But over time the benefits unleashed by the case were undermined by opposing demographic and political trends: Kansas City was bedeviled by white flight; and, eventually, it saw a near-total exodus of the middle classes, of all colours, into suburban school districts, charter schools and private schools. A few years ago, eight schools went so far as to secede from the school district, joining a suburban district that provided more resources to students.

By the time the desegregation case ended, in 2003, the city was no longer discriminating against African American students; but at the same time it was increasingly unable to provide quality public school education to any student. It had become a poster-child for educational dysfunction.

As a result, the schools that remained under the jurisdiction of the Kansas City school district saw their enrollment shrink by about 75% in recent decades, even as the region's total population has grown. A number of schools were more than half-empty.

In many ways, Kansas City represents the depressing end-point I warned about last week in my article on California's education cuts: a setting in which those with options have exercised them by opting out of the state school system, leaving the rump public sector both shrivelled and denuded of influential supporters in the community.

This week's decision to downsize the system by close to 50% might well be the least bad option remaining to the board of education in the city given these harsh realities; but necessity doesn't make these truths any less depressing.

If there are lessons to be learned from Kansas City's dismal experiences, they are about the importance of holistic thinking: of looking for ways not just to desegregate schools but to preserve integrated, economically diverse urban cores; of providing middle-class families with reasons to continue using public services; of building up the notion of common community again so that the public sector flourishes rather than withers. Absent this, Kansas City might well represent a glimpse of a depressing American future: one in which those with resources opt out, en masse, from any and all public services, leaving the public sector to stumble drunkenly from one crisis to the next, a miserable-looking shadow of once-great glories.

A deal for the London department store would end months of speculation

Liberty, the London department store, said this morning that it has received bid approaches.

A deal would end months of speculation over the future of the Liberty store, which was put up for sale last July by its majority shareholder, property firm MWB.

Liberty said in a statement to the London Stock Exchange:

Further to the recent press speculation, the board of Liberty confirms that it has received approaches which may or may not lead to an offer being made for the company. At this stage, it is too early for the Board to determine whether or not these discussions will result in any formal offer being made for the xompany.

Over the past six months Liberty has been examining and assessing a range of options and initiatives that would enable it to build upon its success since the launch of the Renaissance of Liberty in February 2009. This has included seeking investors who could bring capital and expertise to help develop and grow the business both within the UK and internationally.

According to reports, Marco Capello, the former managing director of Merrill Lynch Global Private Equity, is close to buying Liberty through his investment fund BlueGem Capital Partners.

Capello is expected to pounce on the luxury retailer, which also has a wholesale fabric business, in a fortnight's time, when Liberty should have completed a £40m sale and leaseback of its Tudor-style building on Great Malborough Street.

Other suitors are thought to include the luxury investor and Sirius Equity founder Robert Bensoussan and global supplier Li & Fung, but Capello, who was involved in the privatisation of Debenhams during his time at Merrill Lynch, has reportedly outbid them. Liberty had a market value of £63m last night.

Liberty said overall revenues climbed 20% last year, with its London flagship store posting 16% revenue growth. Online sales enjoyed a particularly strong Christmas.

Also this morning, Aga Rangemaster saw 2009 profits before tax plummet to £500,000 from £14.4m the previous year. The upmarket cooker maker suffered a slump in demand for its traditional cast iron stoves during the recession, but expects sales to pick up again this spring.

William McGrath, the chief executive, said:

The generation of cash was the big achievement of 2009 and that remains the focus given the caution needed in the current market. Our lead indicators, however, are positive and after a slow order intake at the start of the year, the prospects are encouraging heading into the spring.

Night club operator Luminar admitted today that its business has been "severely affected" by poor weather across most of the UK in the last two months of its financial year, which ends on 25 February.

The group is still trading within its debt covenants and continues to generate cash to reduce its borrowings. Debts have been cut by £49m to £93m.

Luminar has appointed Simon Douglas as chief executive to supervise a "rigorous cost reduction exercise".

? Aga saga took sad turn as recession hit demand
? But company says sales of upmarket cookers are hotting up

Aga Rangemaster has seen its annual profits almost wiped out after a sharp drop in demand for its traditional cast iron stoves at the height of the recession.

Profits plummeted to £500,000 from £14.4m the previous year, while revenues fell to £245m from £279m. Stripping out one-off costs, earnings before interest, tax, depreciation and amortisation halved to £12.6m.

Not surprisingly, sales fell off a cliff during the economic slump, but the upmarket cooker maker said demand was picking up again.

Markets improved as the year progressed, Aga insisted. Demand fell sharply in the first half of last year, before levelling out and, in some areas, strengthening later in the year.

Sales dropped 18.8% in the first six months, and were down 12.3% over the year. Orders for Rangemaster cookers were up over the 12 months, while sales of Aga stoves were ahead in the last quarter.

The cold snap has given the company a boost, highlighting the benefits of the firm's all-in-one cookers and boilers, with more people keen to become less reliant on the grid.

The chief executive, William McGrath, said: "The generation of cash was the big achievement of 2009 and that remains the focus given the caution needed in the current market. Our lead indicators, however, are positive and after a slow order intake at the start of the year, the prospects are encouraging heading into the spring."

A radically minimalist trend has hit Paris fashion week ? and three British designers are leading the charge. By Jess Cartner-Morley

It is 10 o'clock on a Monday morning, and in the beaux arts splendour of the Paris Opera, fashion week is in full swing. Everyone is here, and I mean everyone ? Mozart and Rossini standing guard from their stone columns outside, Pegasus and Apollo gazing down from the soaring gilt ceiling, Paul McCartney and Carine Roitfeld in the front row. Stella ? everyone just says Stella, darling; it's like Oprah or Madonna ? is about to show her new collection. At the breakfast stand, there is coffee and little tubs of fresh fruit. (Next to the tubs of fruit, there are also ? as a concession to any greedy imposters ? tubs of fresh fruit with dollops of yoghurt. No one touches those.)

And then a hush falls and the show starts with the beginning of a Ludacris track that mimics Tiger Woods' infamous voicemail message: "I need you to do me a huge favour . . . um . . . can you please take my name . . . um . . . off your phone . . . my girl went through my cellphone and, er, she may be calling you . . ." It has no relevance to fashion, as far as anyone can tell, but it slices through the pomp of the setting like tailor's scissors and makes everyone laugh. And then the first model appears, very lightly made-up, her hair neatly parted and combed back into a low ponytail. She is wearing a grey wool coat, immaculately cut at the shoulder and straight-edged to mid-thigh, entirely unornamented but for a simple notch in the lapel. She has a grey dress on underneath, just seen, and simple, beige pointy-toed kitten heels. No handbag. After the sugar-almond colours and lingerie ruffles that flooded Paris last season, it is as if someone walked in and sliced the icing off the top of a cupcake. The over-sugared Parisian femininity is gone, and in its place is fashion for grown-ups.

The style revolution happening in Paris right now is being led by three thirtysomething British women: Stella McCartney, Phoebe Philo and Hannah MacGibbon. They are at the forefront of a new mood here, taking up where Helmut Lang left off and updating minimalism for a new generation. "Feminine minimalism" is the closest it has to a name, right now. The change of direction can be clearly seen in catwalk reports everywhere from Twitter to the Herald Tribune: in lavishing praise on collections, "precise" is the new "fabulous"; the best shows are no longer "dazzling", but "clean" and "serene". To picture the new look, start by visualising a simple coat, probably in camel but possibly in grey, black, navy or even (for the extroverts out there) a very dark bottle green. (The coats next season are going to be incredible. If you get through AW10/11 without buying two, you can consider yourself a beacon of restraint.) It will probably be collarless, but if it does have a collar it will be of a masculine shape. Add trousers ? pencil slim, or wide with a knife-crease down the front ? or a pencil skirt, a silk T-shirt, or a blouse.

Before we get back to the catwalk, a slight digression, because I think it's interesting to note what McCartney, Philo and MacGibbon themselves wore to take their catwalk bows. (I don't believe for one second that they don't think every bit as carefully about what they wear as John Galliano, who appeared at the end of his equestrian-themed show in a ruffled white silk blouse, grey high-waisted suede jodhpurs and shiny black boots.) McCartney wore a V-neck sweater with flannel trousers and high heels, all grey, her hair in a looser version of her models' low ponytails. Philo wore a black crew-neck sweater and black trousers, with her hair scraped back; MacGibbon wore a camel polo-neck and black trousers, with camel boots, hair back. Getting the picture yet?

Stella was many British fashion editors' most shoppable collection this week, but it is Philo who can claim credit for starting the minimalism revolution last October, with her first collection for Céline. That show ? all sharp lines and patch pockets, very little colour, no decoration, a narrow-but-boxy silhouette ? seemed to shock the city into spring-cleaning mode. In ateliers all over Paris, spools of ribbon and boxes of crystal beads have been shoved into cupboards under the stairs. "Strong. Powerful. Reduced" was Philo's message for her second season, which introduced new elements ? navy blue, double-breasted jackets ? while underscoring her determination to make Céline the home of this new minimalism.

Céline is not for the fainthearted (those very stark looks are not as easy to carry off as they look). Hannah MacGibbon's Chloé gave a blowsier take on the new aesthetic, for those not yet confident of the wow-factor (off the catwalk) of such plain clothes. Bouncy, blown-out hair and a gorgeous range of beige shades from toffee through camel to Elastoplast pink made this the perfect entry-level collection: feminine minimalism for beginners, if you like. (Personally, the camel coat and trousers with denim shirt was probably my favourite look of the whole week.)

No fashion trend ever gets everyone singing the same tune ? one of the best collections this week was Louis Vuitton, which was quite different, a paean to curvy 1950s and 1960s icons, from Brigitte Bardot to Grace Kelly ? but there were echoes of the minimalist look bouncing off catwalks all over Paris, sometimes where it was least expected. Giambattista Valli, king of what I think of as the cupcake-cocktail-dress, opened his show with a simple camel coat. Cerrutti, where this season brought the first collection by London-based Australian designer Richard Nicoll, was strongest when it was simplest: patch pockets, tone-on-tone outfits (loved the teal-with-navy), collarless, sleeveless jackets. Givenchy's Riccardo Tisci gave the Lang-esque key pieces of next season ? slim trousersuits, double-breasted tailored coats over polo-necks ? his own signature gothic twist, with slashes of blood red at the throat and sheer, high-necked white blouses.

And then, just when we were thinking the new look was so simple and wearable, Stefano Pilati's Yves Saint Laurent had everyone scratching their heads. There were habits, and capes, and calf-length black wool dresses belted with a long gold rope. So most of the audience thought, reasonably enough, it was something to do with nuns. But, oh no. Pilati categorically denied there was any allusion to religion whatsoever. If you're not trying to look like a nun, is a habit a good look? Um, to be honest ? not so much, having seen that show. What I loved, though, were the straight-cut satin dresses, the simple blouses, and the plain black trousers. Funny that.

Mortlach 70-year-old Speyside sampled by a select group of tasters at ceremony in Edinburgh Castle

The world's oldest malt whisky went on sale today with a price tag of up to £10,000 a bottle.

The Mortlach 70-year-old Speyside was sampled by a select group of tasters in a ceremony at Edinburgh Castle.

Only 54 full-size bottles, costing £10,000 each, and 162 smaller bottles, at £2,500, are available.

The whisky has been released under Gordon and MacPhail's Generations brand.

It was filled into its cask on 15 October 1938 at the order of John Urquhart, the grandfather of the firm's joint managing directors, David and Michael Urquhart.

Exactly 70 years later, the decision was made to empty the cask and bottle its contents.

A bottle of Mortlach was piped into the castle today and tasted by guests in the Queen Anne room.

The Urquharts described it as a malt "without comparison" and said: "This is a very special day for us ? one we've literally been anticipating for generations.

"Our family has been in the whisky business for a long time, with each generation building and handing on a lifetime's expertise to the next."

Governments indicate support for complete international ban to allow species to recover from years of over-fishing

Japanese tuna brokers protested today after the EU decided to support a worldwide trade ban on Atlantic bluefin tuna. EU governments indicated that they would back a complete international ban on the species to allow the bluefin to recover from years of over-fishing.

The protest came just days ahead of a meeting this weekend of Cites, the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, in Doha, which will see 175 member states vote on whether to add the fish to a list of animals threatened with extinction, banning its trade.

Raw tuna is a key ingredient in sushi and sashimi in Japan, the world's main purchaser of bluefin. Although the ban would not prevent the fish from being caught, it would end the trade between European fishing fleets and Japan, where about 80% of captured bluefin ends up.

"This is like telling the US to stop eating beef," said Kimio Amano, a 36-year-old broker at the Tsukiji fish market in Tokyo who joined about 100 other dealers ? many clad in work boots and shiny waterproof overalls ? to chant slogans calling for better use of the ocean's resources.

The brokers argue that an Atlantic ban would be unnecessary if existing tuna stocks were better managed. The Japanese tuna industry also contends that the implementation of the ban could lead to broader restrictions.

"Our biggest hope is that this doesn't spread to the Pacific," said Tadao Ban, head of the Tokyo co-operative for large fish dealers. For this reason we are promoting strict resource management. We are even supporting putting a tag on each and every tuna caught."

Global stocks of bluefin tuna ? which can reach 14ft (4.3 metres) in length and weigh more than 1,000lb (450kg) (450kg) ? have been decimated over the last decade, particularly in the Atlantic.

It is estimated that some 1m bluefins were caught last year, while the total population is thought to be about 3.75m. The WWF says stocks of bluefin tuna in the Atlantic have dropped by 80% since 1978.

Women come out best in listening and recollection tests in study by University of London's Institute of Education

It's been an endless source of aggravation between the sexes; how can men so easily forget birthdays, anniversaries, and even friends' names?

Not, it seems, because they cannot be bothered to remember. Research suggests that, in middle age at least, absent-minded-ness is a particularly male problem.

At the age of 50, women's verbal memory outperforms their male counterparts by a significant margin, a report by the Institute of Education, University of London suggests.

A survey of more than 9,600 middle-aged British men and women showed that women outscored men in two listening and recollection tests.

"Men performed significantly more poorly in the verbal memory tests: particularly on the delayed memory test," the authors, Matthew Brown and Brian Dodgeon, said.

"This was quite a surprising result, since women turning 50 tend to do worse: another study has shown that during the menopause women do not do so well."

Participants in the first test listened to 10 common words being read out and were then given two minutes to recall as many as possible. The second test required them to list the same 10 words about five minutes later. Women scored almost 5% more than men, on average, in the first test, and nearly 8% more in the second.

Women were less accurate in a third test requiring them to cross out as many "Ps" and "Ws" as possible in a page filled with rows of random letters. They had, however, scanned letters faster than men.

In a fourth test, naming as many animals as they could in a minute, men and women had identical scores. Each could name 22 animals, on average. The study did not test whether men are better than women at recalling numbers; previous studies have shown that women tend to do better on word recognition tests.

Those tested were members of the National Child Development Study who have been tracked since their birth in 1958. They were tested at age 16, and the latest tests will help estimate the impact that exercise, diet, smoking, alcohol and depression have had on mental abilities. Initial analysis shows those who exercised at least once a month did better on all tests, on average, than those who did not. Non-smokers, including ex-smokers, also outscored smokers in the first of the "word recall" tests, even after social background was taken into consideration.

"Although measuring gender differences was not the central purpose of tests, the differences between men and women were interesting," the authors said.

Virginia Woolf's house, Gertrude Stein's flat ? feminist pilgrimages are a great way to connect with history. So when Vera Groskop said girls were boring, her mother decided it was time for her first trip

Despite my best efforts, my three-year-old daughter Vera hasn't exactly been celebrating her girlhood of late. In fact, influenced by her six-year-old brother, she can frequently be heard muttering, "Girls are boring. I want to do boys' things." I can see her point. Her brother's life is full of Star Wars, pirates, football and other action-packed phenomena. Vera gets Hello Kitty. She clearly finds this unsatisfying, and the situation is coming to a head. "I am not a girl, Mummy, I am a boy," she told me recently. "My name is Peter."

But it's good to be a girl, I tell her. Being a girl is fun. There are women's successes to be celebrated. There is joy in the female condition. How can I prove this though? In our home city, London, there is just not that much physical evidence of women's greatness. The Alison Lapper statue in Trafalgar Square was taken down in 2007. There are nine male statues in Parliament Square ? and no female ones. London's first public statue of a black woman, Bronze Woman by Aleix Barbat, in Stockwell Memorial Garden, did not appear until 2008. Germaine Greer has frequently complained that women are underrepresented in public monuments, noting that one of the only recent sculptures of a woman is of the actor Diana Dors at the Shaw Ridge leisure complex in Swindon. Now, I like Diana Dors. But this is pathetic.

I was not about to frogmarch Vera to Swindon, but I loved the idea of an adventure, exploring women's hidden imprint on our streets. So I decided it was time for her first feminist pilgrimage. My mother-in-law reeled: "That poor child." But I knew how to sell it to Vera. "Would you like to come and find out what lots of important ladies did, and then we'll have cake?" "Yes," she replied seriously. "I would like cake."

Rachel Kolsky, a London tourist guide, has run women's walking tours since 2005. "They open people's eyes to the hidden history of an area," she says. "There is a great women's story on every corner." Vera and I set off on a three-hour walk around the East End of London, starting at the Royal London Hospital, the focal point of the Wonderful Women of Whitechapel and Spitalfields Tour. Here, Kolsky tells a story about Eva Luckes, the famous hospital matron, whose successes included the containment of a typhoid epidemic. The hospital's inner courtyard has a magnificent statue of Queen Alexandra, who was instrumental in bringing a new treatment for tuberculosis to the hospital. "Look at that strong, proud lady, Vera!" I say. "You said I could have cake," she says. "I'm cold."

Then Vera starts to cry, bringing our adventure to a sudden end. This is the problem with Kolsky's brilliant London tours: in order to showcase women's buried history, they cover a lot of ground. Great for an adult, but slightly too ambitious for a three-year-old.

I am not deterred though. Quite the opposite. As we head home I am hatching plans for future feminist pilgrimages. In the UK, we can follow in the footsteps of Virginia Woolf, Jane Austen, and the Brontës. Or, next time we are passing the Houses of Parliament, we could check out the statue of Emmeline Pankhurst, one of London's few female landmarks, in Victoria Gardens. Then there's a trail of Pankhurst family blue plaques to be followed in London, from 50 Clarendon Road in Holland Park to 120 Cheyne Walk in Kensington.

Further afield there is Gertrude Stein's apartment in Paris at 27 Rue de Fleurus. Now a private home, this address was once host to weekly salons and packed with paintings by Renoir, Gauguin and Cézanne; Picasso was a regular dinner guest. You may only be able to walk past these days, but you can still reminisce fondly on key passages in Stein's classic work The Auto- biography of Alice B Toklas. Or, in the same city, you could visit Simone de Beauvoir's grave ? next to Sartre's ? at the Cimetière du Montparnasse.

In New York there is a lengthy Dorothy Parker trail leading from the Ansonia at 2108 Broadway (one of New York's most famous apartment blocks: Parker lived around the corner), to the 1925 birthplace of the New Yorker magazine at West 47th Street, where Parker worked, and on for cocktails at the Algonquin Hotel. Then there are all the great feminist museums: the Elizabeth A Sackler Center for Feminist Art, for instance, at the Brooklyn Museum in New York, which includes a gallery devoted to Judy Chicago's "vaginas on plates" sculpture, The Dinner Party.

Maybe I will even start a "Sylvia Plath does New York" fund for when Vera turns 16. We will stay at the Barbizon Hotel at 63rd and Lexington ? which was once women-only ? wearing dresses with matching bags, as Plath did. We'll lunch near the one-time offices of Mademoiselle at 575 Madison Avenue where Plath was an intern. Or we'll criss-cross Massachusetts in a turquoise 1966 Thunderbird Convertible à la Thelma and Louise in honour of Louisa May Alcott, tattered copies of my favourite childhood book, Little Women, in tow. More likely though, we might just go to Stockwell when the weather warms up and take a look at that Bronze Woman, holding her baby triumphantly aloft. As long as there's an ice-cream van nearby, I'm sure Vera will be up for it.

For anyone who wants to explore women's lives and history, here are some other great ideas for feminist pilgrimages.

Bath: Jane Austen

Austen lived in Bath from 1801 to 1806. The Jane Austen Centre at 40 Gay Street is gearing up for September's Austen Festival which features "the opportunity to dress throughout the week in 18th-century Regency costume". You can have "tea with Mr Darcy" (a £10.50 high tea with cucumber sandwiches, scones and cream) all year round. Those keen for an Elizabeth Bennett-style constitutional can download a free audio walking tour "In the footsteps of Jane Austen" at visitbath.co.uk. There is also a "Jane for the day" suggested timetable: "12.45pm: Visit the Assembly Rooms: in Jane's day, guests assembled for balls, to drink tea, play cards, listen to music or just to talk and flirt. 3pm: Stroll around the streets Jane would have known."

Sussex: Virginia Woolf

"It is not so much a house as a phenomenon." So wrote Quentin Bell of Charleston, the country home between Eastbourne and Lewes that was used by the writers, artists and thinkers known as the Bloomsbury group in the early 20th century. Virginia and Leonard Woolf originally spotted this late-17th-century Sussex farmhouse, situated at the foot of the South Downs, and coaxed Virginia's sister, Vanessa Bell, to move there in 1916. It reopens for the summer on 31 March, with special tours on Fridays.

The Woolfs' own country home was Monk's House near Lewes, East Sussex (nationaltrust.org.uk). This property is occupied by tenants so is open only for short visits on Wednesday and Saturday afternoons between April and October. But there is the ideal pilgrimage on Saturday 26 June: an eight-mile walk "In the Footsteps of Virginia Woolf", from Monk's House to Charleston, with lunch at local stately home Firle Place (£25). To book tickets, call Charleston on 01323 811626 (charleston.org.uk).

Washington: Michelle Obama

The Smithsonian's National Museum of American History (on the National Mall, 14th Street and Constitution Avenue) has hundreds of exhibits commemorating the women's reform movement. The museum's First Ladies' Collection celebrates the influence of presidents' wives and has been one of the most popular exhibitions for the last 100 years, including archive material, diaries, memorabilia and costumes. This week, the white chiffon Jason Wu gown Michelle Obama wore to the inaugural balls went on show for the first time.

For another tribute to Obama, head to her favourite takeout joint, Good Stuff Eatery at 303 Pennsylvania Avenue SE in Washington DC for a "Prez Obama" burger or to Ben's Chilli Bowl at 1213 U Street NW for the Obamas' favourite half-smoke chilli dog. Nearby Busboys and Poets (2021 14th Street), a cafe and bookshop, hosts feminist events and has a huge feminist book collection.

Amsterdam: Anne Frank

"Now our Secret Annexe has truly become secret . . . Mr Kugler thought it would be better to have a bookcase built in front of the entrance to our hiding place. It swings out on its hinges and opens like a door." The canal house at 163 Prinsengracht was the hiding place of the young Jewish girl Anne Frank and her family during the Nazi occupation of Amsterdam, and there are numerous tours of the city that include the house, where you can visit the annexe where Frank wrote her secret diary. The house opens at 9am, and it is best to visit early to avoid queues (annefrank.org).

Paris: Simone de Beauvoir

As the French travel bible Guide du Routard notes, "In the winter Simone de Beauvoir came always first thing in the morning to the [Café] Flore to have a seat near the stove. Sartre recreated the atmosphere of an English club. Everybody listened to jazz, read poems or played little acts." Pay homage to the great feminist philosopher over a café au lait at Café Flore, before downloading a walking tour from St Germain to the Louvre at girlsguidetoparis.com for $1.98 (£1.30). This takes in 60 Rue de Seine where de Beauvoir once lived, and while you are strolling, remember: one is not born a woman, one becomes one.

? Wonderful Women of Whitechapel and Spitalfields starts at 11am on 13 March. Tickets can be booked through the Women's Library on 020-7320 2222. Battling Belles of Bow, 11am on Saturday 5 June, follows in the footsteps of Sylvia Pankhurst. For more information on other tours, email rachel@smallcakes.co.uk or visit goeastlondon.co.uk

Marcel Theroux goes paddling in Tonlé Sap lake and tries street food in Siem Reap